EdgeWriter

Wordsmith · 325 points

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on In a future where criminals are punished with instant aging, when a young ex-convict -turned 70- learns about a place where his youth can be restored, he has a week to find it before the process becomes irreversible.

I love the story concept, it has an ironic hook and it's clear to see the character's goal and what's at stake if he fails. Not sure how it would play on screen though, as you don't see many action…
on It’s February 1930, just months after Black Tuesday. In light of their financial woes, a small-town mortician and his arrogant wife start murdering the rich to keep their beloved funeral home afloat.

"To save their beloved funeral home during the 1930?s depression, a small-town mortician and his arrogant wife start murdering rich people." Still doesn't contain all the ingredients of a good logline, but I think it's a decent starting point for…
on After an explosion, a marine wakes up in a place with other people from different times, his mission is to lead the group to recover artifacts spread in different times in history and avoid an alien invasion in the future.

After an explosion, a marine wakes up in a place with other people from different times, his mission is to lead the group to recover artifacts spread in different times in history and avoid an alien invasion in the future.…
on in order to love his wife, a man must have affairs.

I'm not really fussed that you haven't capitalised the first word in your sentence - it's not really important at this stage of your logline's development - but I am fussed that your logline is not a logline. "in order…
on After the death of her best friend, a teenage girl begins to notice and investigate strange inconsistencies in reality, attracting the attention of a dangerous organization.

"After the death of her best friend, a teenage girl must battle a dangerous organization that wants to wipe her memory when notices strange inconsistencies in reality." ...or... "When the death of her best friend causes a teenage girl to…
on After a lifetime of putting up with her beautiful but vain twin sister, Maddy finds a way to pay her back in doses.

Richiev is correct, but I would add that the second sentence clause is far too vague; what does "pay her back in spades" actually mean? Not only is it vague, it's also a cliche. The logline should contain specific actions…
on When an illegal immigrant unknowingly films the murder of the star witness in a high profile drug case, he struggles to survive the drug ring who will do anything to keep him silent while under the care of a racist detective.

What's the significance of the protag being an illegal immigrant? At the moment this characteristic is having no effect on the story as he's 'under the care of a racist detective". If he's illegal then he would fear going to…
on When a stern principal asks a new teacher to look over a specific child the new teacher finds herself in the middle of a family breakdown.

Being specific in a logline is the name of the game. Therefore, what does 'look over' actually mean? What's the teacher's goal? To protect the child from a violent father and/or mother? We need to know what it is the…
on RE WRITE Prisoners escaping a galactic penal colonel make an emergency landing only to find themselves trapped,having to outwit a psychopathic,shape shifting android intent on re-enacting the twisted deaths from old horror movies.

"a psychopathic,shape shifting android intent on re-enacting the twisted deaths from old horror movies" screams 'seen it all before' to me (Terminator 2 anyone?), unless you're bringing something new to the table and it's not just a pastiche of what's…
on you

Ignore my double post; forgot to log in the first time D'oh ;-)