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on When an undertaker’s lover dies, he decides to end his own existence, but makes the surprising discovery that he is apparently immortal.

I'm hearing the word 'irony' bandied around this site a lot, and I'm not actually sure there's a concise definition of the word or in fact it is necessary for use in log lines. I know Blake Snyder says log…
on A grieving London gangster recruits the tough new boyfriend of his suicidal daughter to help him hunt the killer of his son. But when he discovers her boyfriend is the son of one of his victims come for revenge, he must risk his daughter’s life to take him down.

or: An embittered vigilante who wants to execute his son's killer recruits his daughter's new boyfriend - a security expert - to help crack the alarm of his high profile target. But when the new recruit turns out to be…
on A grieving London gangster recruits the tough new boyfriend of his suicidal daughter to help him hunt the killer of his son. But when he discovers her boyfriend is the son of one of his victims come for revenge, he must risk his daughter’s life to take him down.

An embittered Vigilante's been out killing child-killers ever since his son's murder 5 years ago; but when, on new information, he goes after the real killer and puts his wife and daughter in danger he's faced with a choice: continue…
on When a policeman’s family is kidnapped by a sadistic crimelord he must kill a rival crime boss to save his family.

I would suggest the flaw is something within the hero, planted from some wound in his past, some inner issue which he has to rectify within himself before he can achieve his goal. Think of Michael in The Godfather. Because…
on Car Pool is an action thriller set in a leafy suburb in the Mid West of America and follows Emily ,a proud struggling single mom who, when locked in a new car that is rigged with explosives, must drive the car into the heart of New York before the kidnappers execute her family.

maybe exchange 'kidnappers' for 'terrorists' ? You know we love a terrorist flick !
on Car Pool is an action thriller set in a leafy suburb in the Mid West of America and follows Emily ,a proud struggling single mom who, when locked in a new car that is rigged with explosives, must drive the car into the heart of New York before the kidnappers execute her family.

Ouch! Good work! Great premise ! BUT... out with the shears ! First, imply the genre, don't state it outright. Treat it like a movie, give the audience clues - we love a puzzle, let us work stuff out. "When…
on An abstinent Christian dating coach’s societal standing crumbles upon trying to win back the university whore he has impregnated.

Yep, couldn't make head nor tail of this. Imagine you want the dumbest person in the world (me) to understand it, and try again :)
on When a policeman’s family is kidnapped by a sadistic crimelord he must kill a rival crime boss to save his family.

Good. BUT...we don't know the policeman's flaw, the 'ghost from his past', or his 'wound' - the thing he must overcome within himself to achieve his outward goal. Success in achieving the outward goal - in a good story -…
on A violent gangster turns vigilante when his young son is murdered, but when he executes an undercover cop, his operation backfires.

Well, with the help of all the feedback I finally realized something I'd suspected for a long time - it's TWO stories - or rather - the hero has TWO GOALS. So, the hero's new goal is: to find a…
on A grieving London gangster recruits the tough new boyfriend of his suicidal daughter to help him hunt the killer of his son. But when he discovers her boyfriend is the son of one of his victims come for revenge, he must risk his daughter’s life to take him down.

Here's another version with the main antagonist in the logline. The above logline has two other opponents in the logline (opponents in this story are threefold as per Truby). "When an embittered vigilante recruits a tough teenager for his next…