Mike Pedley

Script Doctor · 13,410 points

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on When a socially-awkward man encounters a thespian girl in an improv class, he must push past his anxiety and perform in a battle for her hand against a man with the same intent.

The whole thing kinda reduces the girl to a prize to be won... not sure that's really appropriate in this modern day world. She needs to be an active character, not just a trophy.
on Seeing his wife’s ghost each morning for breakfast a man becomes vigilante after the police decide to stop investigating her murder.

I think you can do better than "a man". He's your protagonist after all. Can you give us a little more so we get some idea of who he is and what his arc is. I'm guessing it's being able…
on A college basketball player, dumped on the street by his girlfriend, is pushed to the edge by the pressure of school, sports, work, and savage city life.

So tell us what he's going to do about it. That's the story. Films are not just about problems, they are about how people try to solve them.
on After discovering that reality is a computer generated prison, a hacker must unleash his own power to save to world.

Stick it in Examples if it's an existing movie. What's standing in his way? It sounds way too easy atm.
on After aliens abandon an imminent victory against Earth, an alien Ally and a courageous lieutenant join forces in an audacious plan to stop the extinction of the solar system.

It seems like the inciting incident is the moment they discover why the aliens abandoned the war. That's the bit which sets up the question and leads to the goal. That's what bookends your story and it's fundamental to understand…
on After aliens abandon an imminent victory against Earth, an alien Ally and a courageous lieutenant join forces in an audacious plan to stop the extinction of the solar system.

Why would the aliens abandon an imminent victory? It makes no sense and has no relationship to the goal of stopping the extinction of the solar system. Why is the solar system going extinct anyway? Without knowing what specifically is…
on When all contact is lost with a colony on a distant planet, a space pilot who claims to have discovered a terrifying creature there must join a team of bull-headed marines to investigate.

Re: the logline itself: Since Ripley is the protagonist, the inciting incident could/should be framed around her. The fact they've lost contact with the colony is key, but I think it needs to be from Ripley's perspective. There's some leg-work…
on When all contact is lost with a colony on a distant planet, a space pilot who claims to have discovered a terrifying creature there must join a team of bull-headed marines to investigate.

This is just Aliens, right? Stick it in examples if it is or you'll get a lot of people saying "this has been done before"! Hahaha!
on When he experiences an unexpected sensation in his nether regions during a massage from another man, George is forced to confront his own sexuality and insecurities.

The End. Specifically, what happens? Visually, what are we watching on screen. All the action is happening inside the character's head. We don't need to know his name's George. It takes up valuable real estate in a logline. Instead give…
on An aspiring teen screenwriter on the autism spectrum, battling discouragement from peers and writer’s block, is determined to write a blockbuster movie and submit it to a Hollywood screenwriting contest after she meets one of her original characters based on a dream she had one night — an intelligent robot cat.

Ok... so she's currently battling discouragement... what will she be battling (besides that) while she writes the movie? What is stopping her achieving her goal? What will stand in her way? In other words, what will sustain the 90mins+ runtime?…