MitchW

Mentor · 445 points

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on “A caregivers journal, with accounts of her experience, gets in the hand of a young person revealing many hidden secrets.”

I think you should check out the example page and have a look at the formula used by most loglines. At the moment this idea never really ends. Or it's just a person sitting in a room reading a journal.…
on When an orphaned French aristocrat must confront his estranged father, who means to kill him, he is shanghaied by Confederate pirates and cast into the backwoods of the Civil War, where he joins a band of notorious bushwhackers to survive.

I think the character and inciting incident are there but joining the bushwhackers to survive isn't the greatest. The reason I think this is that it's a very open ended goal. He could continue 'surviving' indefinitely. You need to have…
on A peasant and a magician team up to find a magic flute that grants wishes.

You should check out the formula page on this site. For a compelling story your character should be forced into this scenario. You need to add an inciting incident that pushes them into needing this flute. Also i would pick…
on Forrester´s old Apartment is now a gang infested slum where Jamal has fallen on drunken times, and a genius savant gangster discovers the one man who can make his life wonderful – the famous Mr. Wallace.

I would recommend checking out the formula page. A logline needs to have three things: A character, an event, and an action. At the moment you just have a character. Based on your synopsis I'm imagining something like this: When…
on In a future where children must be raised by AI, the director of the largest AI firm risks arrest and death when she chooses to raise her infant son by herself.

I think you need something that forces her to make this decision. I don't see an event that triggers her to make this decision other than she just wants to. You need to show a reason for why she HAS…
on A horse rider develops a relationship with a woman in order to help overcome her fear of horses.

Completely agree with Lotcher. I would recommend you check out the formula section of the site to see a good outline for writing loglines. Along with Lotcher's comments your logline also doesn't have an event. Something needs to happen to…
on A young woman’s life turn upside down when she joins a secret agency to fend off her bullies.

I'm still not seeing a clear connection between all your elements. What is the inciting incident for your story? Why would a secret agency arrest a random girl for weed? Why would they let a random girl join said secret…
on To save a retirement home from bankruptcy, its uptight director must convince her estranged, obnoxious father to make a significant donation, or face losing her job and custody of her daughter. But when he insists on playing a role in running the home, the director must balance the need to keep her father’s money with the increasing annoyance of the home’s residents with the coarse intruder.

Hey, I think Odie's response is an improvement. However I think it's missing an action. At the moment there isn't a solution to the problem in either logline which means the movie could go on forever. How does the uptight…
on After believing that his son is possessed, a former sinful man learns that the spirit is son’s mother whom the man had shot dead a few years ago and she wants revenge

This logline doesn't have an action. Who is the protagonist? I'm assuming it's the sinful man but the logline reads as though the mother could be the protagonist. If it's the man that's the protagonist what does he do once…
on A young woman’s life turn upside down when she joins a secret agency to fend off her bullies.

The event could be that she begins being bullied and that's what pushes her to a secret agency. But I'm not so sure how you'll be able to connect those two things. If it's a secret agency how does she…