Paul Clarke

Showrunner · 1,870 points

630 points to Maestro

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Daily challenge0 of 8 badges

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on Animal activists do a night raid on a facility only to discover human not animal unwilling test subjects. They are now trapped with a security force willing to kill them to protect the secret.

I don't think the logline is quite right, but I love the concept. I could see that being a solid low-budget creature feature. Perhaps: When environmental activists raid a chemical testing lab to free the imprisoned animals, they find…
on In a tragic incident that led to the dead of parents and the loss of her eyes as a child, a blind female psychologist who is very good in using her other senses is hired by the FBI to solve crimes.

The first sentence needs to go. The incident that killed her parents (incident is too vague, if this is a killer that will show up then tell us), and that incident isn't what brought her to the FBI, it's her…
on After he finds out the mysterious woman he spent the night with is his fiancee’s stepmother, a troubled playboy must navigate a weekend retreat filled with sexual tension and jealousy.

As mentioned elsewhere, knowing the genre would clarify the tone. It sounds like a comedy to me, but they could turn on him and things could get deadly if it's a thriller. I also would like some indication of…
on In order to say goodbye to his dying mother, an exiled gangster turned priest must finally face his past.

That's a good first half of a logline, but you stop right when things get interesting -- Tell us what he must do, what he must overcome in order to say goodbye to his mother. The stakes are clear, as…
on When the mysterious knight who slaughtered his village returns, a distrustful werewolf reluctantly teams with a rebellious human princess to track the knight down before he starts a war between humans and fantasy creatures.

I would go with: A distrustful werewolf must team up with a human princess to stop a vengeful knight from starting a war between humans and fantasy creatures. The backstory as to what the knight did in the past…
on After a night out drowning her sorrows, a lonely woman wakes up next to a man she just met and discovers they are on his boat in the middle of the ocean and it’s sinking fast.

Or alternative based on the guidelines: When a lonely woman finds herself in the middle of the ocean in a sinking boat with a mysterious man she just met, she must employ all her resourcefulness to keep it afloat.
on Edit2 – When a man inherits his father’s fortune he is shot while he sleeps, he wakes to his final day on earth rewinding around him and must figure out who shot him before he bleeds to death.

The first two parts are redundant - fatally wounded means nothing if he's already dead. It's also unclear whether the day occurs backwards or just repeats. And whether it repeats more than once. Also - why does he get this…
on When a building closes up for the night, locking an ordinary employee inside, the employee finds a beautiful woman that turns his night in a living horror and psychological terror in which he must survive the night to make it end.

What kind of building? What kind of employee? What type of person is he? And why can't he just leave the building? What kind of living horror and psychological terror? I like the contained nature, the stakes, the goal -…
on When a paranoid new king starts burning women at the stake, a mysterious outsider must embrace both her destiny and the ancient Hermetic ways to change the course of history.

There's a hint of a story there but the logline is currently too vague. "Mysterious outsider" - this appears to be your main character and therefore cannot be mysterious. How can we envision your story if we don't even know…
on A small-town janitor reels from the death of his former teacher and wife, only to be unexpectedly snowed in at his alma mater secondary school over Christmas holidays, challenged with sheer survival as well as the demons of his past. ★ Accepted

I like the specificity, and there are some good parts here that give me an impression on what the story will be, but it's also still a little too vague. First of all, is his former teacher and wife the…