Robb Ross

Samurai · 1,895 points

605 points to Mentor

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123 reviews

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on When a crew of mismatched oilfield workers stay late to finish a job in the middle of nowhere, they are attacked by bloodthirsty monsters. They’ll have to band together to fight through blood guts, and teeth if they want to live to see another sunrise.

Okay, with such a remote location, the state isn't necessary.While it still doesn't intrigue me, see if this helps to clarify the next attempt: After bloodsucking creatures attack an oilfield that is hours from the nearest town, the first female…
on After discovering his travelling companion has a bag of cash a man starts a conversation hoping to blackmail him. When that fails he threatens violence that escalates into murder.

Next logline attempt, try for more of an A Story than the two talking. Or add details to help us imagine lengthy dialogues because even the responses make it seem like they only have one thing to talk about. It…
on When a commuters’ activist group throws the bar car onto the tracks, lonely office drone Donald Brewster and his boozy compatriot patrons must make a case for saving the raucous rail-car or risk losing their home-on-the-way-home.

Instead of saving the bar car, the boozy compatriots want to end it? The first one is relatable and sounds like a midlife crisis story where they want to hang on to their vices and crutches and wrong behavior. Perhaps…
on An opportunistic internship becomes a battle of wits between? an ambitious young man and a manipulative venture capitalist when the former learns that he’s being used as an accessory to the latter’s white collar crimes.

Good start.Taking Richiev's logline one step further, clarify the "wits" and "turn the tables." Be specific with at least one battle or otherwise paint more of a mental picture.Is "opportunistic"? a contradiction? Sounds like he's there waiting to exploit something…
on After discovering his travelling companion has a bag of cash a man starts a conversation hoping to blackmail him. When that fails he threatens violence that escalates into murder.

What is the status of this idea, in development or completed script? Different comments for each and I personally like to give my time to those being developed.
on After discovering his travelling companion has a bag of cash a man starts a conversation hoping to blackmail him. When that fails he threatens violence that escalates into murder.

Describe the men. Add the details from the discussion. If the blackmailer is angry about the past, why doesn't he start with murder? How exactly does he blackmail the other? >> both characters have reasons to hate them and reasons…
on When a crew of mismatched oilfield workers stay late to finish a job in the middle of nowhere, they are attacked by bloodthirsty monsters. They’ll have to band together to fight through blood guts, and teeth if they want to live to see another sunrise.

After (something other than plain) vampires attack their oilfield, a (protag) must...Full disclosure: I hate vampires. Still, what is the purpose of using a common monster? Is it a metaphor, people sucking oil from the ground are like vampires sucking…
on In the 1960’s, when her Greek village is devastated by drought, a teenage girl’s parents force her to migrate to Sydney Australia to marry a stranger and bring them prosperity but finds both racism and friendship, opportunities and mistreatment.

Is the idea being developed or is this already written?Even with four characters, one is still technically the protag or has the most significant arc so keep it from her pov. Maybe you can state the others in general or…
on A haunted young man must decide whether he’s mentally ill or really seeing ghosts when his recently deceased best friend asks for help solving his murder.

And if the story is about solving the murder, tell us more about the friend and the world of his that the protag will explore.
on In the 1960’s, when her Greek village is devastated by drought, a teenage girl’s parents force her to migrate to Sydney Australia to marry a stranger and bring them prosperity but finds both racism and friendship, opportunities and mistreatment.

No argument there. The point is that it's possible to have too much going on in a story and it's worthwhile for the writer to consider the theme or else how all these work together and get enough time: forced…