Spencer222

Penpusher · 220 points

80 points to Logliner

5 loglines
11 reviews

A timid office worker trains with an unforgiving vampire in unlocking the martial skills of his birthright to defeat the Slayer who brought him to within an inch of his life.

July 4, 2020
After a morally upright young adult is saved by a beautiful vampire from an attack orchestrated by his uncle to eliminate opposition to his rule, they work together to track down his newfound relative: the leader of the Vampire Hunters, but when the vampire gives herself up to save him, he must embrace his own inner darkness to rescue her before she is executed.

December 25, 2019
After a timid young adult is saved from armed assailants by a beautiful vampire, he is manipulated and trained by her coven to track down his elusive uncle: the de facto leader of the vampire hunters.

December 14, 2019
After giving nourishment and shelter to a wounded, fugitive vampire, a love-struck yet timid teen joins her quest: to assassinate her Sire before he starts a vampiric civil war.

August 17, 2018
In stepping up to talk to the girl that took his breath away, a timid boy enters her world of seduction and murder and in pursuit of her he will learn the great and terrible things Man is capable of.

August 3, 2018

on When a genetically-enhanced soldier escapes from a Military Black Site in New Mexico, his CIA handler struggles to find a way to apprehend him as the soldier leaves a trail of destruction throughout the United States.

The super-soldier is more interesting, however, you have to tell your own story, The POV character does have to be the protagonist. The most obvious example I can think of is "The Great Gatsby". The creator of "Breaking Bad" said…
on A young cadet surveyor of planets fights an evil force that has infiltrated the League of celestial nations for the purpose of extracting and transferring the life force of people to their own dying population.

The concept is interesting but I feel that this logline has missed the mark. When I break it down you have: Flawed protag: young cadet surveyor Main Action: fights an evil force Reason for Action: infiltrated the League of celestial…
on When a genetically-enhanced soldier escapes from a Military Black Site in New Mexico, his CIA handler struggles to find a way to apprehend him as the soldier leaves a trail of destruction throughout the United States.

I agree.
on Unable to cope with his unrequited love, a lonely Filipino seafarer becomes depressed and attempts suicide while at sea.

I've read your other loglines. You have not shown a complete story yet. In my interpretation, based on your other loglines, the "All is lost moment" (End of act 2) is when the protagonist confesses his love and is rejected.…
on When a genetically-enhanced soldier escapes from a Military Black Site in New Mexico, his CIA handler struggles to find a way to apprehend him as the soldier leaves a trail of destruction throughout the United States.

The logline is clear, understandable, and sounds interesting. If you are posting to test the concept, then my opinion is that you are ready to begin writing. If you have written the story, the logline could be touched up. The…
on When a series of unusual deaths occur in an uncharted region of Alaska, an aspiring detective must retain his lawful morality in a hidden barbaric world to seek those responsible.

Your logline is clear and understandable. Just to be nitpicky I would change the wording a little. When a series of unusual deaths occur in an uncharted region of Alaska, an aspiring detective must seek those responsible while retaining his…
on A wealthy oblivious drawing artist raised by animals unfreezes a painted river to stop his artistic ego from not seeing his forest-dwelling family before he moves away from home.

I do not understand the story world. If the kid wants to leave home, where would he go? Is the larger world full of human-like animals or is he crossing over to our world? Does he literally paint over the…
on When left alone by his busy father at his office, a young child who believes his father is a professional spy must help deliver coded messages in order to win his fatherâ€™s pride.

You have an interesting story, but I would work on the logline a bit more. My interpretation is that the story goal is to deliver the letters from the father's desk to other cubicles across the office, without getting caught.…
on After a timid young adult is saved from armed assailants by a beautiful vampire, he is manipulated and trained by her coven to track down his elusive uncle: the de facto leader of the vampire hunters.

3rd Revision (edit to fix typos)After a timid young adult, ignorant to the supernatural, is saved by a beautiful vampire from an attack orchestrated by his uncle attempting to eliminate opposition to his rule, they work together to track down…
on After a timid young adult is saved from armed assailants by a beautiful vampire, he is manipulated and trained by her coven to track down his elusive uncle: the de facto leader of the vampire hunters.

Thank you for the feedback. The use of the word "manipulate" was a failed attempt to show a similarity to the movie "Wanted". I did not mean that he just goes through the motions of the story with no agency.…

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