Sumi

Penpusher · 245 points

55 points to Logliner

4 loglines
12 reviews

When a frontiersman, mauled by a bear, is left for dead by his own hunting party, he must survive the Arctic wilds and seek revenge for their killing of his son.

March 12, 2016
When an English apprentice witch’s last correspondence lesson doesn’t arrive, she must take her 3 young charges and a conman on a flying bed to search for a missing spell that will help drive back invading German forces. [Bedknobs and Broomsticks]

March 9, 2016
1

When Emma discovers that her suave seducer is planning to kill her, she must escape his isolated mountain lodge and track across treacherous terrain while he hunts her down.

March 7, 2016
When a young man is found out for desiring his older brother’s beautiful wife, he must go on a journey into the past to discover the cost of possessing a forbidden prize.

February 27, 2016

on After witnessing a god rape her sister, a naive nymph seeks revenge, risking her life in the process.

I agree with the above review.? You have your main character and an inciting incident and an end goal. But the logline needs further information on how she plans to achieve that goal. In the text - could also cut…
on When an entire town gets a virus from the trial of a brain-activated smart phone, a self-righteous hippy must stop the company and shut down the trial.

It's really quite a funny concept so that's good. However I agree with the others. There's a missing link. What is the connection that the hippie has with the problem? What makes him your hero as opposed to anyone else…
on When a disguised terrorist on a mission in his country sets him up in a train bomb attack, a dropout battles to evacuate panicking passengers who will be killed in his name.

Hi, it's a good idea. However it took me some time to work out that your protagonist is the dropout. Perhaps move him to the start of your log line? Also is this a short? I'm not sure the action…
on “In the desolate future, when a carefree and adventurous teenager is suddenly forced from his underground bunker into the world outside, he will have to mature quickly if he is to survive both the wilderness and the rogues that inhabit it.”

This has good parts, I clearly understand the main character,? the inciting incident and what the teenager has to do to survive. My concern is that in a desolate future - how does a teenager end up carefree? And if…
on In 2100 Hollywood, a detective falsely accused of murder must clear her name by tracking down the real suspect: a famous actress cloned from her younger self’s DNA. ORPHAN BLACK meets MINORITY REPORT.

Maybe it needs to be more clear that since the detective and the actress share the exact same DNA, any DNA found at the murder scene could be attributed to either person.? Although how you'd do that in a logline....…
on When a narcissistic property developer is convicted for murdering a government official, he must untangle the web of deceit, to prove his innocence

Although there are many good comments about the original,? just my 2 cents worth...? the original logline reads better than the revised version.
on When her password becomes defunct, PersephV must memorize something like “VMIynOLEs7yRMsZE7SxWuiadS766asdf” (but not quite that) in order to post her next logline.

Very funny!
on A small town detective is forced into an inconceivable mystery when a severed hand, genetically identical to his, appears next to the headless body of a boy. When the case leads back to his own missing son, he’s introduced to a world of parallel universes in which he may be able to save his family and the world.

Just a possible version to consider (although I'm not sure it is what you intended) - When a small town detective is faced with a gory trail of evidence that implicates himself in the fate of his own missing son,…
on A meek pharmacist falsely accused of an accidental death has to search for clues to the whereabouts of his kidnapped daughter in the tattoos of customers of a tattoo artist, who abducted her as revenge, before time runs out.

I like this log line. It clearly describes a single goal (find the daughter) with the sub-goal serving as a constraint to the first.
on When an abducted news reporter’s ransom remains unpaid, her timid stalker must infiltrate a ruthless kidnapping ring before she’s executed.

This is just my opinion - that the key character is not the first person we "meet" in the logline so that sets up some confusion about who the protagonist is. Hope that helps.