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After his daughter who is a schoolteacher disappeared unexpectedly, a police officer has 3 hours to stop terrorists from blowing up the U.S. Capitol building.
The terrorists part sort of comes out of nowhere. 1: You start with his daughter disappearing, so you think that's what the story will be about. 2: Then you tell us the police officer committed a robbery. Okay, so that is what the story is about. 3: Then out of nowhere, you say he must stop some terRead more
The terrorists part sort of comes out of nowhere.
1: You start with his daughter disappearing, so you think that’s what the story will be about.
2: Then you tell us the police officer committed a robbery. Okay, so that is what the story is about.
3: Then out of nowhere, you say he must stop some terrorists.
So my logline suggestion would be, to explain how these three seemingly separate events relate to the ultimate goal of the lead character.
See lessA traumatized ex-military professor must protect his students when he discovers that the dean and his colleagues are spies sent to eliminate him in a dangerous exercise of trust.
Confusing wording: Why does he have to protect his students when he's the one getting targeted? Also, protect is not strong enough imo. We want to know what he wants to do when he disvovers the truth about the dean and his colleagues.
Confusing wording: Why does he have to protect his students when he’s the one getting targeted?
See lessAlso, protect is not strong enough imo.
We want to know what he wants to do when he disvovers the truth about the dean and his colleagues.
A mob enforcer who lives by the strict code that failure equals death, meets his match when ?3 million of mob funds is stolen by a desperate young man determined to make a difference with his life by ensuring the dirty money serves a charitable cause.
i actually love the premise of this, but can i ask you something? who is the protagonist, is it the mob boss, or the desperate man? if i were you i'd want that to be clearer, and its also a tad long. maybe try shortening. this is my version of yours: When a calculating mob boss falls victim to a losRead more
i actually love the premise of this, but can i ask you something? who is the protagonist, is it the mob boss, or the desperate man? if i were you i’d want that to be clearer, and its also a tad long. maybe try shortening. this is my version of yours:
When a calculating mob boss falls victim to a loss of 3 million dollars, he meets his match by a desperate young man determined to make a difference with his life by ensuring the dirty money serves a charitable cause.
But i actually love the idea of your film. very interesting. logline is almost there mate. just needs to be refined and tightened. good stuff!
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