Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
When two incompetent crews try to rob her bank at the same time, an ambitious bank manager must play one against the other to buy time and save the money.
Great suggestion from DPG. The only thing I can add is that the bank manager seems unrelated to the plot. In other words, if you were to replace her with any other manager the story would stay the same. This means that the plot isn't inherently an extension of her flaw and character. Perhaps it woulRead more
Great suggestion from DPG.
The only thing I can add is that the bank manager seems unrelated to the plot. In other words, if you were to replace her with any other manager the story would stay the same. This means that the plot isn’t inherently an extension of her flaw and character. Perhaps it would be better to describe her as a genuinely flawed character and make the premise a result of this flaw.
What if she was the security guard or head of security at the bank, and it’s her lack of professionalism or laziness that allows the robbers to break-in.
See lessA rookie Intelligence Officer accidentally risks a global incident, when she tries to replace the Foreign Minister of a hostile middle eastern country with an impostor: his secretly homosexual twin brother.
An Intelligence Officer replaces the Foreign Minister of a hostile middle eastern country with... his not-so-secret homosexual twin brother. - I chopped a lot of the padding. don't need the "tries to". I mean - he's gonna do it ha. Cut the imposter. You might need it. We'll see. I'm just playing aroRead more
An Intelligence Officer replaces the Foreign Minister of a hostile middle eastern country with… his not-so-secret homosexual twin brother.
– I chopped a lot of the padding. don’t need the “tries to”. I mean – he’s gonna do it ha. Cut the imposter. You might need it. We’ll see. I’m just playing around here.
– Hmm still feels like “Dave” crossed with a Sacha Baron Cohen film ha.
– Hopefully, “not-so-secret” suggests he’s very clearly gay but will in hilarious situations think it’s hidden.
– I agree with Dpg. You might need to push on the stakes.
– Concept has a fish-out-of-water which is good. I don’t think being gay is enough though. Perhaps he knows nothing about politics? Perhaps he’s a compulsive trouble maker? A drinker? How is this guy gonna make things worse?
Hmm – how about “his not-so-secret homosexual twin brother – a man with a voracious sexual appetite”.
or…
“his black sheep twin brother… a not-so-secret homosexual who loves to party.”
– Lastly, perhaps you need a “Then”? Then what happens? How does this guy cause trouble and mischief?
Anyways – play around with it. Experiment.
Nothing I say is gospel.
See lessWhen an 8ft hairy black monster begins following him around and disrupting his life, a lonely divorcee must find a way to get rid of it before it controls his entire existence.
What are the stakes? I only ask because I am not sure what you mean by, "Controls his entire existence" Does this mean the monster is going to mind control the lead character and take over his body? In other words, what will the lead character lose if he does not get rid of the monster? However, besRead more
What are the stakes? I only ask because I am not sure what you mean by, “Controls his entire existence” Does this mean the monster is going to mind control the lead character and take over his body?
In other words, what will the lead character lose if he does not get rid of the monster?
However, besides that, I think this logline is pretty close and has a great hook.
See less