1. Posted: October 26, 2021In:

    Stripped of his license a disgraced ER doctor running from his past reinvents himself in Japan only to be lured deep into a community with a violent secret where he must solve an unspeakable crime.

    Best Answer
    Richiev Singularity

    "Stripped of his license, a disgraced ER doctor reinvents himself in (Morrocco) where he is drawn deep into the criminal underworld." (With seemingly no way out) ------------------------------------------------------------ 1: I would be specific with the country, I just put Morrocco but it could beRead more

    “Stripped of his license, a disgraced ER doctor reinvents himself in (Morrocco) where he is drawn deep into the criminal underworld.” (With seemingly no way out)
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    1: I would be specific with the country, I just put Morrocco but it could be any country, Brazil, South Africa, Vietnam because specific is better than vague.

    2: “Shocking consequences” doesn’t really tell us anything, I would leave it out or name the specific event, however, the event sounds like a plot twist, not an inciting incident so I just dropped it in my example.

    Hope this helped

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  2. Posted: October 21, 2021In:

    With the threat with three years in a Japanese prison looming a foreigner races to find the whereabouts of his two children taken from the apartment he shared with his wife.

    Best Answer
    [Deleted User]

    This is intriguing, Maybe add detail about the inciting incident that resulted in a 3 year prison sentence.

    This is intriguing, Maybe add detail about the inciting incident that resulted in a 3 year prison sentence.

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  3. Posted: October 15, 2021In:

    Hiding her psychopathic ego from family and co-workers an emergency department doctor who spends her days healing, and nights hurting, must play a complicated game of cat and mouse when the police start investigating her.

    Best Answer
    beezeebee Penpusher

    Hi mobiuswest, I think this sounds like an intriguing concept. All the ingredients for a good idea are here, though some details of the logline could be polished I think. Two things would need clarification for me to make this more appealing: 1. "...an emergency department doctor who spends her daysRead more

    Hi mobiuswest,

    I think this sounds like an intriguing concept. All the ingredients for a good idea are here, though some details of the logline could be polished I think. Two things would need clarification for me to make this more appealing:

    1. “…an emergency department doctor who spends her days healing, and nights hurting…:” We assume already that she helps patients and detail of her only “hurting” patients during the night seems vague and random without more context and reasoning. I would amplify the word “hurt” a bit and specify it further. Think of trying to create imagery in the readers head. For example, “mutilate” conjures a much clearer picture of what this person actually does, just so you know what I’m talking about.

    2. “…must play a complicated game of cat and mouse when the police start investigating her…:” Again, this feels vague and not like anything that gives an immediate sense of how that movie will play on screen. The game of cat and mouse I assume will be the second act of your script, and by thinking about what will happen during that act you should be able to zoom in on this. I believe the problem goes back to using “the police” as an antagonist. This is a chance to craft an antagonist that employs a strategy to bring our hero to justice which is really threatening. “Start investigating her” also feels like it could be powered up. Why not actually use something like “bring her to justice” as the antagonist’s goal? That makes the conflict much clearer and feels more high stakes than an investigation.

    One last caveat: you are writing an essentially reprehensible heroine, and that is a challenge in term of creating empathy for her. I would definitely watch this, because I’m prone to very flawed to even immoral characters, because I find deviant people fascinating, but many people find this tasteless if not done with finesse.

    Hope that helps,
    BeeZeeBee

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