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  1. Posted: October 15, 2021In: Crime

    Hiding her psychopathic ego from family and co-workers an emergency department doctor who spends her days healing, and nights hurting, must play a complicated game of cat and mouse when the police start investigating her.

    Best Answer
    beezeebee Penpusher
    Added an answer on October 16, 2021 at 3:04 pm

    Hi mobiuswest, I think this sounds like an intriguing concept. All the ingredients for a good idea are here, though some details of the logline could be polished I think. Two things would need clarification for me to make this more appealing: 1. "...an emergency department doctor who spends her daysRead more

    Hi mobiuswest,

    I think this sounds like an intriguing concept. All the ingredients for a good idea are here, though some details of the logline could be polished I think. Two things would need clarification for me to make this more appealing:

    1. “…an emergency department doctor who spends her days healing, and nights hurting…:” We assume already that she helps patients and detail of her only “hurting” patients during the night seems vague and random without more context and reasoning. I would amplify the word “hurt” a bit and specify it further. Think of trying to create imagery in the readers head. For example, “mutilate” conjures a much clearer picture of what this person actually does, just so you know what I’m talking about.

    2. “…must play a complicated game of cat and mouse when the police start investigating her…:” Again, this feels vague and not like anything that gives an immediate sense of how that movie will play on screen. The game of cat and mouse I assume will be the second act of your script, and by thinking about what will happen during that act you should be able to zoom in on this. I believe the problem goes back to using “the police” as an antagonist. This is a chance to craft an antagonist that employs a strategy to bring our hero to justice which is really threatening. “Start investigating her” also feels like it could be powered up. Why not actually use something like “bring her to justice” as the antagonist’s goal? That makes the conflict much clearer and feels more high stakes than an investigation.

    One last caveat: you are writing an essentially reprehensible heroine, and that is a challenge in term of creating empathy for her. I would definitely watch this, because I’m prone to very flawed to even immoral characters, because I find deviant people fascinating, but many people find this tasteless if not done with finesse.

    Hope that helps,
    BeeZeeBee

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  2. Posted: October 14, 2021In: Crime

    A failed private investigator becomes entangled in the disappearance of a 17-year-old girl to clear a large gambling debt.

    Best Answer
    NisVinten Logliner
    Added an answer on October 14, 2021 at 8:55 pm

    I like the story when I read your synopsis, but your logline needs polish. How about: When a failed investigator can't pay back his gambling debt he gets 1 week to find the missing daughter of a murderous creditor. It's not there yet, but raise the stakes. Have fun, Nis from Denmark

    I like the story when I read your synopsis, but your logline needs polish. How about:

    When a failed investigator can’t pay back his gambling debt he gets 1 week to find the missing daughter of a murderous creditor.

    It’s not there yet, but raise the stakes.

    Have fun,
    Nis from Denmark

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  3. Posted: October 8, 2021In: Crime

    After The murder of there friend, a group of inner-city teens vows revenge by killing every cop in California.

    Richiev Singularity
    Added an answer on October 8, 2021 at 2:02 pm

    What compels the reader to want the lead characters to succeed? I could see if the leads went after the specific police officer but to kill every cop in California, both men, and women, Black, Asian, White, young, old, even those who have dedicated their lives to helping others? At some point won'tRead more

    What compels the reader to want the lead characters to succeed?

    I could see if the leads went after the specific police officer but to kill every cop in California, both men, and women, Black, Asian, White, young, old, even those who have dedicated their lives to helping others?

    At some point won’t people tune out?

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