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An Ethiopian young woman adopted by an Israeli couple wants to find her biological parents.
Hi tony18, I can see you are emphasizing "Ethiopia" in all your loglines. But I do not see any relation between your story and Ethiopia as a location or Ethiopian as a nationality. If you are insistent on mentioning the terms "Ethiopia" and "Ethiopian", you also need to mention the significance of iRead more
Hi tony18,
I can see you are emphasizing “Ethiopia” in all your loglines. But I do not see any relation between your story and Ethiopia as a location or Ethiopian as a nationality. If you are insistent on mentioning the terms “Ethiopia” and “Ethiopian”, you also need to mention the significance of it whether as a location or a nationality.
The young woman who was adopted by an Israeli couple can be from any other country. Why should you mention she is Ethiopian? Is the process of finding one’s biological parents any more difficult in Ethiopia compared to other countries? If yes, why? How? Elaborate.
If finding her biological parents is difficult, particularly in Ethiopia, then you have a challenge/barrier. A challenge makes a logline more interesting. But does she have a solution? How does she overcome this challenge?
Also, is there any particular reason to mention who adopted this young woman? Foster parents’ nationality etc? You must think of the core story. No unnecessary info is needed.
For example:
Struggles of a young woman to find her biological parents in Ethiopia, despite….(the challenge).
Use this as a template if you agree with me and re-write.
I hope this helps.
See lessOn the day he vows to quit, a burned out psychiatrist breaks confidentiality and reveals the intriguing, mysterious, and dramatic lives of his patients.
Hi, sabrown, Your logline portends an interesting story. However, reading your logline, the following questions were immediately raised: Why does the psychiatrist break confidentiality? and reveal the intriguing, mysterious, and dramatic lives of his patients? To achieve what? Why does he want to quRead more
Hi, sabrown,
Your logline portends an interesting story. However, reading your logline, the following questions were immediately raised:
Why does the psychiatrist break confidentiality? and reveal the intriguing, mysterious, and dramatic lives of his patients? To achieve what?
Why does he want to quit in the first place?
What is the relation between the psychiatrist quitting and his decision on revealing the intriguing, mysterious, and dramatic lives of his patients?
What is he hoping/planning/aiming to achieve?
To me, the answer to the above questions should be included in your logline. Clear Context.
I suggest you include some more info and re-write. We will see after that.
I hope this helps.
See lessA con artist does one more scam before he retires exposes dark secrets in his family well after his father dies unexpectedly.
Hi IvyEight6, This is how I see it (using your own version of logline): After his father's unexpected death, a con artist decides to pull one last scam by exposing his family's dark secrets. However, there are confusing points you'll have to address. Questions: 1- How exposing his family's dark secrRead more
Hi IvyEight6,
This is how I see it (using your own version of logline):
After his father’s unexpected death, a con artist decides to pull one last scam by exposing his family’s dark secrets.
However, there are confusing points you’ll have to address.
Questions:
1- How exposing his family’s dark secrets is a scam?
2- Why does he have to do his scam after his father dies? What is the relation between his father’s death with his scam decision?
3- What is he achieving by exposing his family’s dark secrets?
4- Was/Is anything stopping him from doing so?
You need to address all the above questions. Read your logline from the reader’s POV.
Re-write and we will see again.
I hope this helps.
See less