Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
When a languorous girl is warped through space-time reincarnating in the bodies of famous women after crying for the very first time, she needs to find a way out of limbo before she’ll be trapped forever.
This could be a cool fantasy/adventure film! It seems like a family film peppered with darker moments. From reading certain words ("time-space", "warped"), I thought your story was science-fiction, until I saw that you've listed it fantasy. I like the descriptor for your MC. "Time-space" sounds awkwRead more
This could be a cool fantasy/adventure film! It seems like a family film peppered with darker moments. From reading certain words (“time-space”, “warped”), I thought your story was science-fiction, until I saw that you’ve listed it fantasy. I like the descriptor for your MC. “Time-space” sounds awkward to me. If I’m not mistaken, it’s called space-time, or you could say time and space. “The very first tears of her lifetime” is too wordy. Instead, you could write: her first tears. “Her ability”, you should specify what her ability is. “Mysterious man”, I think your antagonist needs a stronger descriptor.
See lessWhen a cunning Knight outsmarts a young rebellious Gnome, he must quickly overcome self-pity from such betrayal and get his lump of gold back before the Knight ignites a gold rush, which would destroy Gnomes’ precious homeland inside an Iron Mountain.
"When his gold is stolen by a cunning knight, a rebellious gnome must get the stolen ore back before the knight returns to his homeland and starts a gold rush into his people's land."
“When his gold is stolen by a cunning knight, a rebellious gnome must get the stolen ore back before the knight returns to his homeland and starts a gold rush into his people’s land.”
See lessWhen a naive and shy young man loses his humanity to an evil futuristic corporation, he tries to destroy it to free himself and others with the questionable help of two sides, good and evil, from which he finds no difference.
Hello and welcome! Consider the following to strengthen your logline/premise: 1. A worldbuilder may benefit your logline to orientate the reader e.g., “Set in a dystopian future, …” OR “In a dystopian future enslaved by a tyrannical megacorp, ...” 2. Try to produce a single word to describe your proRead more
Hello and welcome!
Consider the following to strengthen your logline/premise:
1. A worldbuilder may benefit your logline to orientate the reader e.g., “Set in a dystopian future, …” OR “In a dystopian future enslaved by a tyrannical megacorp, …”
2. Try to produce a single word to describe your protag’s (before arc) psychology or sociology.
3. Who is this young man? E.g., “A downtrodden clerk.”
4. Concerning the major event (his call to action) – losing one’s humanity is good, but in this world doesn’t everybody? Thus, you need an answer for “why him to save the world, what makes him so special?”
5. Concerning your goal, your protag cannot attempt or try – he must do. Having a goal of destroying a soul-sucking evil megacorp is good! In loglines we need to see intent, thus he must.
6. Evil corps are vague when it comes to opposition, think about an antagonist, a baddie CEO – we need a face to punch 😉.
7. Stating how your protag is going to complete the goal is known as the “method” which is rare to see in loglines. In your case, I am intrigued by your questionable good/evil help, but I am unable to envision what this looks like.
8. Check out the Formula link in the header to hone your logline!
This is what I can gather: When a downtrodden lemming gets his soul ripped out by the evil megacorp he toils for, a good/bad angel (classic one on each shoulder) appears to help with the singular goal of destroying it to regain his soul/humanity.
Hope you find this constructive, for me the questionable help is your hook and may answer #4.
See lessTake care.