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When a naive and shy young man loses his humanity to an evil futuristic corporation, he tries to destroy it to free himself and others with the questionable help of two sides, good and evil, from which he finds no difference.
Hello and welcome! Consider the following to strengthen your logline/premise: 1. A worldbuilder may benefit your logline to orientate the reader e.g., “Set in a dystopian future, …” OR “In a dystopian future enslaved by a tyrannical megacorp, ...” 2. Try to produce a single word to describe your proRead more
Hello and welcome!
Consider the following to strengthen your logline/premise:
1. A worldbuilder may benefit your logline to orientate the reader e.g., “Set in a dystopian future, …” OR “In a dystopian future enslaved by a tyrannical megacorp, …”
2. Try to produce a single word to describe your protag’s (before arc) psychology or sociology.
3. Who is this young man? E.g., “A downtrodden clerk.”
4. Concerning the major event (his call to action) – losing one’s humanity is good, but in this world doesn’t everybody? Thus, you need an answer for “why him to save the world, what makes him so special?”
5. Concerning your goal, your protag cannot attempt or try – he must do. Having a goal of destroying a soul-sucking evil megacorp is good! In loglines we need to see intent, thus he must.
6. Evil corps are vague when it comes to opposition, think about an antagonist, a baddie CEO – we need a face to punch 😉.
7. Stating how your protag is going to complete the goal is known as the “method” which is rare to see in loglines. In your case, I am intrigued by your questionable good/evil help, but I am unable to envision what this looks like.
8. Check out the Formula link in the header to hone your logline!
This is what I can gather: When a downtrodden lemming gets his soul ripped out by the evil megacorp he toils for, a good/bad angel (classic one on each shoulder) appears to help with the singular goal of destroying it to regain his soul/humanity.
Hope you find this constructive, for me the questionable help is your hook and may answer #4.
See lessTake care.
A reckless fourteen-year-old aeronaut plans on breaking out his orphan keeper from a foreign prison using a magic hot air balloon.
This is a really intriguing idea! The term "his orphan keeper" is confusing. It's not a term really used in English so can you clarify who this character is and what their relationship to the protagonist is? Is the orphan keeper the 14 year old's legal guardian, mother figure, father figure? Or areRead more
This is a really intriguing idea!
The term “his orphan keeper” is confusing. It’s not a term really used in English so can you clarify who this character is and what their relationship to the protagonist is? Is the orphan keeper the 14 year old’s legal guardian, mother figure, father figure? Or are they the person who runs the orphanage? If that’s the case you could use something like this:
An orphaned young aeronaut is thrilled to find his hot air balloon has mystical powers and plots to use this magic in a daring attempt to break his loving father figure out of prison.
I hope this is helpful!
See lessTasked to infiltrate a country of male supremacy, Lilly must suppress her rebellious nature to seize stolen technology in order to earn her freedom; but what else must she sacrifice on her mission to freedom?
This logline is written in kinda an oddly circular way. The leads goal is to earn her freedom But the reason her freedom is in danger is that she snuck into a country ruled by oppressive men. So if she hadn't snuck into the country in the first place, she wouldn't have to earn her freedom.
This logline is written in kinda an oddly circular way.
The leads goal is to earn her freedom
But the reason her freedom is in danger is that she snuck into a country ruled by oppressive men.
So if she hadn’t snuck into the country in the first place, she wouldn’t have to earn her freedom.
See less