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In a world where magic is determined by hair color and people with the same magic can temporarily share power, a yellow haired boy longs to be with his kind but discovers they have been divided by war with other magic types. After finally meeting others like him, he finds he can share power permanently and leaves to unite his people.
RyanMy concern is that in these times of hyper-sensitivity to multiple issues of discrimination on the basis of this or that trait (race,? gender orientation and identity), your premise runs the risk of being misinterpreted.? What is the difference between discrimination, association and tribal confRead more
Ryan
My concern is that in these times of hyper-sensitivity to multiple issues of discrimination on the basis of this or that trait (race,? gender orientation and identity), your premise runs the risk of being misinterpreted.? What is the difference between discrimination, association and tribal conflict on the basis of hair color versus discrimination, association and tribal conflict on the basis of skin color?
Why must the protagonist? organize his kind?? Organize them against whom?? So his? kind can fight Black haired people?? Red heads?
What is your thematic point of organizing people and pitting against others on the basis of their hair color?
See lessIn a world where magic is determined by hair color and people with the same magic can share power temporarily, a yellow haired boy longs to be with his kind but discovers they have been divided by ongoing war, however after sharing power for the first time he finds that he has the unique ability to do so permanently and goes on a quest to unite and restore his people’s nation and power against dangerous magic users threatening to shatter them further.
First thing's first, a logline is ideally meant to be under 35 words... the shorter and more concise the better. Fantasy is always trickier because there is a certain amount of world building that has to be done first. However, it's always good to spend time working out what is essential to the storRead more
First thing’s first, a logline is ideally meant to be under 35 words… the shorter and more concise the better. Fantasy is always trickier because there is a certain amount of world building that has to be done first. However, it’s always good to spend time working out what is essential to the story and what is a detail that, although interesting, doesn’t actually add much to the story as a whole.
With all this in mind, I think that a fair bit of information in this logline is not necessarily required. For me (and this is just my opinion) all the stuff about hair colour is actually not needed. I appreciate it is a fairly major part of the world this story is set in BUT from a story point of view, if you take it out, not a lot is lost. The ability to share power can still happen, he can still be looking for his kin and he can still have a unique ability to “borrow” power.
Inciting incident – is it the discovery that his kind have been divided by war? Is it the discovery that he can permanently keep someone’s power? Is it the appearance of the dangerous magic users (in most superhero films the inciting incident is the moment the bad guy turns up)?
Character/Characteristic – A yellow haired boy. I think we need some more information here. Boy… do you mean 12? or 4? What’s his flaw? What makes him interesting? Is he cocky? Shy? Kind? What will his arc be? Yellow haired boy is incredibly vague and, if we’re removing the stuff about hair colour, you’re left with “boy”. Can you give us something else that gives us an idea as to how this character will act in his story.
Goal – “goes on a quest to unite and restore his people’s nation and power against dangerous magic users threatening to shatter them further.” ?22 words just on the goal. This is the first mention of the dangerous magic users but actually they provide the goal – naturally in this case the inciting incident should be the moment when they appear – as in superhero movies. They are what prompts this boy to take action.
I think that this boy should be able to take power from others in his clan and distribute it back if he chooses, but the main big bad guy also has this ability and he is wreaking havoc across the land, stealing power to get stronger and killing people for it. The protagonist and antagonist could both have the same goal too – peace. The protagonist wants peace by encouraging everyone to live in harmony and accept each other as they are, and the antagonist could want it by making everyone the same (i.e. non-magical) and he is the only powerful being so he can control them. Two different approaches but the same goal means they have no choice but to fight each other and everyone has to pick a side.?Maybe there’s something in this world about the strength of the magic that is taken by force vs magic gifted willingly. Nice message!
I love the idea of hair colour being a factor… the lighter the hair, the more power they have. This boy is born with white hair and everyone is scared of his power, so he and his mother are exiled (or something… my imagination’s running away with it a bit). His clan only seek him out once they hear about the bad guy (who also has white hair… or maybe he has black hair… interesting twist).
Anyway… back to the logline! I think you need to trim it down, focus on the key elements, check out the “Our formula” page for help with formatting, and figure out what is important world building stuff that is essential to understanding the story.
Hope this helps, looking forward to seeing where this goes.
See lessA lyncanthropic warrior reluctantly teams with a human princess after a mysterious knight, who slaughtered the warrior’s village years ago, returns and begins attacking humans.
Is this script written? Or are you just fleshing out the idea before you begin writing the story? I only ask because if the story has not been written I would suggest that as a story point: the princess hates werewolves. In other words, she believes that werewolves are responsible for the attack onRead more
Is this script written?
Or are you just fleshing out the idea before you begin writing the story?
I only ask because if the story has not been written I would suggest that as a story point: the princess hates werewolves.
In other words, she believes that werewolves are responsible for the attack on her village but the lead character knows it’s the evil knight.
At first, she captures the lead character and doesn’t believe he is innocent she believes he attacked her village, but after a while, they reluctantly team up in order to take down the actual bad guy who attacked both villages.
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