1. Posted: March 6, 2016In:

    When a cynical surgeon renounces his ancestral ties with a cabalistic tradition, he becomes the target of a dark force and must battle a phantasmagorical creature unleashed by the dark force to destroy him and everything he holds dear.

    Best Answer
    FFF Mentor

    I like this one! I see just a couple of problems, 1-the main character is passive ("he finds himself the target"). Focus about his actions, more than his reactions. What does the main character do? 2-"a supernatural, dark force that unleashes a phantasmagorical, savage creature to destroy him and evRead more

    I like this one!

    I see just a couple of problems,

    1-the main character is passive (“he finds himself the target”). Focus about his actions, more than his reactions. What does the main character do?

    2-“a supernatural, dark force that unleashes a phantasmagorical, savage creature to destroy him and everything he holds dear.” this is a beautiful and rich prose but not appropriate for a logline. Too long and too vague an too complicated (a force that unleashes a creature… well A creature is enough!)

    One more thing, “estranged” is one of the most used adjective to characterize the protagonist. And?I alwayes feel like?the writer failed to find a truly appropriate adjective. What I like is when?the adjective makes sense with the story, be linked to another element, it represent a flaw to be overcome.

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  2. Posted: March 6, 2016In:

    When a cynical surgeon renounces his ancestral ties with a cabalistic tradition, he becomes the target of a dark force and must battle a phantasmagorical creature unleashed by the dark force to destroy him and everything he holds dear.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity

    Your story seems?to be?bedeviled by the nature of your genre, which presumes a world with its own set of rules that only exists (so far) in your imagination. I, for one, don't get it. Why is the creature after his family's blood? Is?it ?because of his renunciation?? I suggest I am not alone in?not bRead more

    Your story seems?to be?bedeviled by the nature of your genre, which presumes a world with its own set of rules that only exists (so far) in your imagination.

    I, for one, don’t get it. Why is the creature after his family’s blood? Is?it ?because of his renunciation?? I suggest I am not alone in?not be able to figure that out the causal link, what the renunciation has?to do with the creature’s threat. Because, to repeat, it’s a world we are not privy as it only exists in your imagination.

    If there is no cause-and-effect between the renunciation and the creature’s thirst for the family blood supply, the renunciation is extraneous to the logline.? If there is a cause-and-effect relationship, it needs to be clarified.

    fwiw

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  3. Posted: March 5, 2016In:

    When a cynical surgeon renounces his ancestral ties with a cabalistic tradition, he becomes the target of a dark force and must battle a phantasmagorical creature unleashed by the dark force to destroy him and everything he holds dear.

    Best Answer
    kbfilmworks Samurai

    Hi there Chidi,It's also the function of a logline to give an idea of how the story unfolds - in terms of the main action.So, what is your hero's main action? Is it 'breaking and entry' or does he do battle with the creature in order to save his family?It's for this reason that the first part of theRead more

    Hi there Chidi,

    It’s also the function of a logline to give an idea of how the story unfolds – in terms of the main action.

    So, what is your hero’s main action? Is it ‘breaking and entry’ or does he do battle with the creature in order to save his family?

    It’s for this reason that the first part of the original? logline – “after he renounces ties with his cabbalistic… ” – is essential to the logline.

    But you need to go beyond this statement and give the actual reason why he renounces his ties and that reason needs to be something intriguing that relates to his family or a member of the family.

    As of now, the agoraphobia is a side issue in regard to the logline.

    Hope this helps.

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