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When a cynical surgeon renounces his ancestral ties with a cabalistic tradition, he becomes the target of a dark force and must battle a phantasmagorical creature unleashed by the dark force to destroy him and everything he holds dear.
Your story seems?to be?bedeviled by the nature of your genre, which presumes a world with its own set of rules that only exists (so far) in your imagination. I, for one, don't get it. Why is the creature after his family's blood? Is?it ?because of his renunciation?? I suggest I am not alone in?not bRead more
Your story seems?to be?bedeviled by the nature of your genre, which presumes a world with its own set of rules that only exists (so far) in your imagination.
I, for one, don’t get it. Why is the creature after his family’s blood? Is?it ?because of his renunciation?? I suggest I am not alone in?not be able to figure that out the causal link, what the renunciation has?to do with the creature’s threat. Because, to repeat, it’s a world we are not privy as it only exists in your imagination.
If there is no cause-and-effect between the renunciation and the creature’s thirst for the family blood supply, the renunciation is extraneous to the logline.? If there is a cause-and-effect relationship, it needs to be clarified.
fwiw
See lessWhen a cynical surgeon renounces his ancestral ties with a cabalistic tradition, he becomes the target of a dark force and must battle a phantasmagorical creature unleashed by the dark force to destroy him and everything he holds dear.
Hi there Chidi,It's also the function of a logline to give an idea of how the story unfolds - in terms of the main action.So, what is your hero's main action? Is it 'breaking and entry' or does he do battle with the creature in order to save his family?It's for this reason that the first part of theRead more
Hi there Chidi,
It’s also the function of a logline to give an idea of how the story unfolds – in terms of the main action.
So, what is your hero’s main action? Is it ‘breaking and entry’ or does he do battle with the creature in order to save his family?
It’s for this reason that the first part of the original? logline – “after he renounces ties with his cabbalistic… ” – is essential to the logline.
But you need to go beyond this statement and give the actual reason why he renounces his ties and that reason needs to be something intriguing that relates to his family or a member of the family.
As of now, the agoraphobia is a side issue in regard to the logline.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen a cynical surgeon renounces his ancestral ties with a cabalistic tradition, he becomes the target of a dark force and must battle a phantasmagorical creature unleashed by the dark force to destroy him and everything he holds dear.
I'm guessing there is a link between his past and present,?but I don't see it.Specifically, what is the causal relationship between his renunciation of his ancestral tradition and the other elements in the logline, being mysteriously locked out, the savage creature?If?that renunciation is?back storyRead more
I’m guessing there is a link between his past and present,?but I don’t see it.
Specifically, what is the causal relationship between his renunciation of his ancestral tradition and the other elements in the logline, being mysteriously locked out, the savage creature?
If?that renunciation is?back story rather than a causal, inciting incident,, it serves no purpose in the logline and can probably?be deleted.
See less