1. Posted: August 3, 2021In:

    In a male-dominated town, a frustrated editor attends to self-help groups for men, not to seek help but to prepare himself against them.

    Richiev Singularity

    This logline isn't very specific or personal. To improve the logline you should show how the death of the gay dancer (From the previous logline) personally affects the lead character. Also, you should put a face to the bad guy. ----- "When his best friend, a gay dancer, is killed by the town bully aRead more

    This logline isn’t very specific or personal.

    To improve the logline you should show how the death of the gay dancer (From the previous logline) personally affects the lead character.
    Also, you should put a face to the bad guy.
    —–
    “When his best friend, a gay dancer, is killed by the town bully and his pack, a frustrated editor attends a men’s retreat in order to get close to those responsible and get his revenge.”
    —–
    Overall, I think this is a solid premise. Perhaps the ‘self-help group for men,’ could be one of those, rediscover your manhood conferences, where the men all camp in the woods for a week in order to get back to the ‘Caveman within’.

    The lead character would then knock the bad guys off one by one.
    Or if this is a non-violent movie, He finds his ‘caveman within’ only to (Discover ‘this’ about himself)

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: August 3, 2021In:

    In a male-dominated town, a frustrated editor secretly attends self-help groups for men to prepare himself against them after the death of a gay dancer.

    Odie Samurai

    I prefer this version as it attempts to answer why he attends the self-help groups. Although you could have posted the second version as a comment here 😉. Thinking out loud… “In a male-dominated town” can be replaced with e.g., ”Set in an 80’s good old boy town, …”. “a frustrated editor” suggestionRead more

    I prefer this version as it attempts to answer why he attends the self-help groups. Although you could have posted the second version as a comment here 😉.

    Thinking out loud…
    “In a male-dominated town” can be replaced with e.g., ”Set in an 80’s good old boy town, …”.
    “a frustrated editor” suggestion “a closeted editor”.
    “secretly attends self-help groups for men” coming from a small town myself, a single town folk will make it their business to know everyone else’s. In saying this, I’m not sure how secretive your protag actions can be especially in a group setting.
    “to prepare himself against them” is a poignant statement – very powerful!
    “after the death of a gay dancer” without your synopsis, this will appear to come from left field to the reader – suggest a logline rearrangement.

    Example: Wordy, hope you get the idea.
    “Set in an 80’s good old boy town with no justice for the recent death of a gay dancer, a closeted editor attends men’s self-help groups to prepare for the intolerance of his coming out declaration”

    Hope you find this constructive; this is a solid premise.
    Take care.

    See less
    • 1
  3. Posted: August 2, 2021In:

    Five delinquents must find a way to survive when they are sent to a behavioural camp run by a sadistic cult.

    Odie Samurai

    Dig it! Consider the following to strengthen your logline: 1. Anything more to these delinquents? They may just be a motley crew of felonious youths with nothing in common except being forced to this camp – and survive. Any elaborations may help to provide an ironic play on words for your premise. 2Read more

    Dig it!

    Consider the following to strengthen your logline:
    1. Anything more to these delinquents? They may just be a motley crew of felonious youths with nothing in common except being forced to this camp – and survive. Any elaborations may help to provide an ironic play on words for your premise.
    2. What’s this sadistic cult’s MO – what are they known for? I read once a boot camp that had “fight nights”.
    3. A camp destination/location is key for reader orientation.
    4. Most camps have a set timeframe, maybe you can use this as your ticking clock devise e.g., “… must survive a three day …” just food for thought.

    This is what I can see so far:
    “A group of delinquents must survive a behavioral boot camp ran by a sadistic cult”

    Hope you found this constructive, keep going!

    See less
    • 1