CraigDGriffiths:

Three points:

1] Your latest revision may be a useful as a tool for developing the plot.? But you’re past the development phase.? You said the script is complete.? So what you need now is a marketing logline to pitch the script, one that emphasizes the story hook, one that grabs reader’s eyeballs, makes them want to read the script.

What you want now is a killer logline to pitch your killer script .? And let me make it clear that I think you have a killer premise.? (Otherwise I wouldn’t bother posting repeatedly on this logline.)

But, IMHO, your latest logline is not a killer, not an eye ball grabber.? As I said earlier, ending on the phrase “rich or dead” could be deployed as an effective button beat.? Or at least as a? concise statement of the dramatic dilemma. But it’s nowhere in sight.

2] I’m not enslaved to the idea that a logline must have one–and only one-sentence.? No exceptions. However, when a logline has more than one sentence, I suggest the logline is more effective if the cadence imitates the way a good joke is delivered.?? That is, the first sentence sets up the premise.? The last sentence delivers a punchline,? ends on a button beat.

“They must open it to survive, but can’t bring themselves to do it”? is not a punch line, not a button beat.

3] However, I am “enslaved” to the notion that logline length matters– a lot.? Less is more effective, more is less effective. Your current version is 42 words long.??? I am aware of your opinion as to what constitutes an acceptable logline length.? So I presume you don’t consider 42 words to be an issue? Well, you are entitled to your opinion.? But I suggest the facts, the statistical data, say otherwise.? And in any case, it can easily be trimmed to under 40 words.

My 2.5 cents worth.