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An aging party girl has it all: the fianc?, the house, the job.. and the crippling anxiety. Now she?s hiding a surprise pregnancy in order to get to know her bully mum, and if she has what it takes to be a better parent.
The first sentence is all setting and can be condensed to: "a woman with crippling anxiety".The second part I don't understand. How does hiding the pregnancy help her to get to know her mother? Wouldn't it be the other way around, the pregnancy brings them closer together?The final goal, wanting toRead more
The first sentence is all setting and can be condensed to: “a woman with crippling anxiety”.
The second part I don’t understand. How does hiding the pregnancy help her to get to know her mother? Wouldn’t it be the other way around, the pregnancy brings them closer together?
The final goal, wanting to be a better parent, is admirable, but a bit weak on the dramatic side. (We don’t know how well we do as parents until our kids are twenty-five and living on their own.) Is there one particular thing that her mother did that she hated as a child and she wants to understand why her mother did it? The more concrete you make the goal, the better the logline.
See lessA Caribbean D?butante en route to genteel refinement in Paris is hijacked to an Ottoman harem,…where life lessons far exceed anything she would have learned in school.
Honestly, I had no idea what's being displayed in the first half of your logline after my first read-through due to the terminology you use. Try changing 'Debutante', 'genteel refinement', and 'Ottoman harem' to words more commonly understood. The second half of your logline: 'where life lessons farRead more
Honestly, I had no idea what’s being displayed in the first half of your logline after my first read-through due to the terminology you use. Try changing ‘Debutante’, ‘genteel refinement’, and ‘Ottoman harem’ to words more commonly understood. The second half of your logline: ‘where life lessons far exceed anything she would have learned in school’ is great and piques my interest.
See lessAny criticism is welcome
I love the concept, though the first two sentences could be condensed while still giving all the same info essentially. Perhaps try something along the lines of: 'Humanity has evolved to a point where pregnant women always carry multiple children, and only the best sibling will live.' For your finalRead more
I love the concept, though the first two sentences could be condensed while still giving all the same info essentially. Perhaps try something along the lines of: ‘Humanity has evolved to a point where pregnant women always carry multiple children, and only the best sibling will live.’
For your final sentence, I would drop the lead’s name, change ‘love interest’ to ‘woman he loves’,? and ‘selected as the weaker one’ could be shortened to ‘deemed unworthy (or weak).’
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