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Deep in the trenches of a secret war against monsters that threaten humanity, a battle-weary young woman struggles to prepare her new trainee for combat when the truth behind her sister?s death on the frontlines comes to light.
As Nir Shelter said. What does discovering the death of her sister have to do with the plot?? Is it an inciting incident that sets up her objective plot goal??? Or is it something she discovers while already in pursuit of her objective goal?? If the latter, it's extraneous for the purpose of the logRead more
As Nir Shelter said.
What does discovering the death of her sister have to do with the plot?? Is it an inciting incident that sets up her objective plot goal??? Or is it something she discovers while already in pursuit of her objective goal?? If the latter, it’s extraneous for the purpose of the logline.? If the former, then a cause and effect relationship needs to be clearly stated between the death and her objective goal.
See lessA secret society of Torah zealots ask a baker who can see into the past to join them in ridding the world of pagan idols but when she refuses, the government offers her a deal of freedom from a troubled past to become a mole and deliver the elusive society to them.
I don' t think we understand how her special ability of seeing into the past is needed by the pagan zealots. So it comes across as a bunch of disparate elements.You do have some interesting elements in the mix- -A person?with a special ability...which has gotten her into trouble before -A secret socRead more
I don’ t think we understand how her special ability of seeing into the past is needed by the pagan zealots. So it comes across as a bunch of disparate elements.
You do have some interesting elements in the mix-
-A person?with a special ability…which has gotten her into trouble before
-A secret society
-The government
It could be really cool, but it’s not clear to me how it all ties together.
See lessAlso, the entire logline describes a decision point for the protagonist, not the main plot line.
Deep in the trenches of a secret war against monsters that threaten humanity, a battle-weary young woman struggles to prepare her new trainee for combat when the truth behind her sister?s death on the frontlines comes to light.
One more thing, about the "laws of the universe fracture"... I would prefere to read what "visually" and concretely put the story in motion than an abstract analysis of the causes. Monsters? So start with "When monsters arise from a fracture in the space-time continuum" or something like that - I doRead more
One more thing, about the “laws of the universe fracture”…
See lessI would prefere to read what “visually” and concretely put the story in motion than an abstract analysis of the causes. Monsters? So start with “When monsters arise from a fracture in the space-time continuum” or something like that – I don’t care about the laws of the universe broken as far as my life is not affected. Not in an action movie. Try to give a better description of the monsters.