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Revision 2: A telepath must install a countermeasure in a guarded government facility, before an anti-telepath weapon is launched.
Why is the objective to install a safeguard and not to destroy the weapon? The stakes are clear. You?re missing the event section (why now?) but I assume it?s just that the telepath finds out about the weapon somehow. The bigger issue is, now that you can see the story at its core ... what makes thiRead more
Why is the objective to install a safeguard and not to destroy the weapon?
The stakes are clear. You?re missing the event section (why now?) but I assume it?s just that the telepath finds out about the weapon somehow.
The bigger issue is, now that you can see the story at its core … what makes this story or screenplay worth a reader?s time? Because I?ve definitely already seen ?magic people must destroy doomsday weapon? – in Star Wars or X-Men or a dozen others. What?s unique about this iteration?
See less2112: the government is about to destroy a city?s ability for deep emotion, an outcast telepath must trade in her beloved, to rescue someone murdered in the past to start an uprising.
First of all, this needs help grammatically. Second, the phrase "must trade in her beloved" is too... simple? Like... she's either going to or not. And we assume she will. You're supposed to mention the GOAL of the main character, but in a way that's more about the struggle than just simple math, ifRead more
First of all, this needs help grammatically. Second, the phrase “must trade in her beloved” is too… simple? Like… she’s either going to or not. And we assume she will. You’re supposed to mention the GOAL of the main character, but in a way that’s more about the struggle than just simple math, if that makes sense. I’m guessing that’s a specific PART of her goal to “start an uprising”, just like “rescue someone murdered” (which doesn’t make sense, because you can resurrect someone who’s already murdered, but if they’re already murdered, you hardly succeeded in rescuing them). I think you could drop both specific phrases and just mention the true overall goal of “start an uprising” and see if that cleans it up.
See lessIn the distant future: When a naive teen joins the army, his over-protective biker brother must enlist, go through the harsh training, and find the boy so that he can get him out before they’re sent to battle against nightmarish aliens.
How is he going to "GET" him out? Otherwise, I basically dig it. And "overprotective" is fine as a motivation and flaw for a main character. We've all been there. Relatable enough! :-)
How is he going to “GET” him out? Otherwise, I basically dig it. And “overprotective” is fine as a motivation and flaw for a main character. We’ve all been there. Relatable enough! 🙂
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