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Rework: When a witness and two cops are killed, a tenacious Homicide Detective must defeat his contract-killer nemesis to capture the unknown mastermind.
"When a witness and two cops are killed, a tenacious Homicide Detective must defeat his contract-killer nemesis to capture the unknown mastermind." What is it the witness witnessed? Why were they important enough to have two guards and to be sought out and murdered? And if this mastermind is the oneRead more
“When a witness and two cops are killed, a tenacious Homicide Detective must defeat his contract-killer nemesis to capture the unknown mastermind.”
What is it the witness witnessed? Why were they important enough to have two guards and to be sought out and murdered? And if this mastermind is the one who the witness witnessed doing something worth killing them over so they can’t testify, how is this mastermind unknown? How does defeating a contract killer lead to the mastermind?
See lessDriven by anger and guilt a suspended detective investigates another murder believing it?s connect to his partners brings him face to himself to an answer that will kill him or save him.
>>>brings him face to himself to an answer that will kill him or save him.It's a standard expectation for the genre that the protagonist's dramatic journey will eventually deliver him to a life or death moment, a situation of maximum mortal jeopardy. ?So this phrase is unnecessary, excess vRead more
>>>brings him face to himself to an answer that will kill him or save him.
It’s a standard expectation for the genre that the protagonist’s dramatic journey will eventually deliver him to a life or death moment, a situation of maximum mortal jeopardy. ?So this phrase is unnecessary, excess verbiage.
And it adds no value to the logline because it’s not a story hook. ?It’s not a story hook because:
1] it’s vague; “an answer” could mean any 1 ?of ?a 1,000,001 things. ?Which for the purpose of a logline is to say it means nothing. ? It conveys no specific information to a director or producer as to why he should ?want to read the script ,why the “answer” to be revealed in this script is going to be different, unique from the answers in ?a 1,001 movies already made about detectives solving cases.
2] The “answer”— the Big Reveal — comes too late, ?in the 2nd Act or early in the 3rd Act, to qualify as ?hook for the purpose of a logline. ?Hooks for logline purposes occur in the 1st Act, no later than early in the 2nd Act. ?(See my post for a logline for “The Matrix”?for further discussion on that point.)
So, then, what’s left ? ?”Driven by anger and guilt a suspended detective investigates another murder believing it?s connect to his partner’s death” ?Well, what is the inciting incident in this situation? ?What is the specific and peculiar nature of the ?”other murder” that leads the detective to believe it’s connected to the murder of his partner? ?IOW: what’s the evidentiary hook for the detective in the “other murder”. ?And could this also be the candidate for the story hook for the logline reader?
fwiw
See lessRework: When a witness and two cops are killed, a divorced Homicide Detective must solve a space piracy fraud and track two murderers to capture the mastermind. Not sure of genre… Suggestions?
"When a witness and two cops are killed, a divorced Homicide Detective must solve a space piracy fraud and track two murderers to capture the mastermind. " The first thing I can think of is that the fact that he/she is divorced has nothing to do with plot, and is of no importance to the logline. RepRead more
“When a witness and two cops are killed, a divorced Homicide Detective must solve a space piracy fraud and track two murderers to capture the mastermind. ”
The first thing I can think of is that the fact that he/she is divorced has nothing to do with plot, and is of no importance to the logline. Replace it with an adjective that describes the character’s personality, especially if it is a character flaw which creates an obstacle for the character. The second thing is that the logline presents two goals: solving the fraud and finding the mastermind. Even if the fraud leads to finding the mastermind, the overall goal is the capture so focus on that for the logline.
Also, I think you need to tie in the mastermind more to the logline. What exactly has he/she orchestrated? How is the murder of a witness and two cops playing into this person’s grand plan?
Example:?When a witness and two cops are killed, an impulsive homicide detective must track two contract killers to find the mastermind. (21)
My example just includes the first two suggestions but I would need more information in order to make a better one.
See lessI hope this helps.