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A college student and his girlfriend moves to an apartment, spies on their neighbors who happens to be a serial killer only to find out one of them invades their home.
If you are going to do a Rear Window type script, you need to give it a good hook
If you are going to do a Rear Window type script, you need to give it a good hook
See less?A young widow vowed to protect her husband’s sacred family heirloom but later becomes a target of a ruthless adversary who wants to kill her and take the emblem.
Always start with the protagonist. The script itself doesn't start AFTER the inciting incident, so why start the logline with the word "After"? Introduce the character then state what happens to her. The story isn't clear. To what or whom exactly is she devout? Her dead husband? To being a widow? DoRead more
Always start with the protagonist. The script itself doesn’t start AFTER the inciting incident, so why start the logline with the word “After”? Introduce the character then state what happens to her.
The story isn’t clear. To what or whom exactly is she devout? Her dead husband? To being a widow? Doesn’t make sense. Unclear pronouns too; who is “She?” The widow or the enemy? Who has connections to the husband? The wife? Obviously! The enemy? What kind of connection? It’s all too vague, doesn’t provide a sense of what the story is actually about, is awkwardly phrased, and is a bit too long: 20-25 words is best, definitely no more than 30.
How else can the protagonist be described? Since “devout” has no clear meaning here, what is it about this woman which makes her interesting? What is she besides a widow? Is she old, young, middle-aged? Give us an idea of the state of her life without stating her age outright. How does her husband’s death relate to her current situation? You said it was violent, so that sounds like a murder, but why is this person also after her? Or is that the mystery? If so, make that clear. Tell us the story is about her solving the mystery of her husband’s murder while trying to prevent her own.
As for secrets laying in his grave, is that meant to be symbolic or literal? Was he buried with some sort of clue, or is this about what secrets he took with him to his grave? It’s all very unclear, and a logline is supposed to intrigue a reader enough to want to read more, not force us to ask questions just to understand the story.
See lessA young street drummer must shut down a secret cloning laboratory after three escaped wolf-human hybrids follow him home.
Short and to the point. No commas. These are good things. So is starting with the protagonist and keeping the description simple. It might be nice to know what kind of street performer, but perhaps not entirely necessary.Then it derails. Life taking a new turn is a given; if that didn't happen thereRead more
Short and to the point. No commas. These are good things. So is starting with the protagonist and keeping the description simple. It might be nice to know what kind of street performer, but perhaps not entirely necessary.
Then it derails. Life taking a new turn is a given; if that didn’t happen there wouldn’t be a story. Too vague. Gotta tell us what happens, why it’s interesting.
Trio of clones with animalistic features…so there’s three animals after him? Cat people? Werewolves? Furries? What are we talking about here? Be more specific and be clear.
Nobody begins to do anything…they’re either doing it or they’re not. You have a verb — stalk — use that. But you have to tell us why, or we don’t understand what the story is going to be. Also, “trio” is a singular noun, even though it describes multiple entities, therefore it should have been “trio of clones…begins to stalk him.” But that doesn’t matter since you should take out any form of “begin.”
How is this enough of a conflict for a feature? Some stray animal folk follow this guy home? That’s like two scenes. What is the story about? Summarize the entire first half of the script up to the midpoint. Give us the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes.
“A lonely street mime must shut down a secret government laboratory after three escaped cat-human hybrids follow him home.”
I’m sure THAT isn’t your story but it is A story, and the premise is clear. That’s what your logline needs to be.
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