1. Posted: June 16, 2023In:

    When the identity of a missing girl is reported to be the niece of the head of the CCTV department, she must review the footage to uncover the mystery behind her niece’s disappearance.

    amandis98 Penpusher

    That she just must review the footage to figure out the mystery don't feel like a big enough "must". what are the stakes? what happens if she don't figure it out. if you can see it on the tapes the movie will be over very fast. just some thoughts.

    That she just must review the footage to figure out the mystery don’t feel like a big enough “must”. what are the stakes? what happens if she don’t figure it out. if you can see it on the tapes the movie will be over very fast. just some thoughts.

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  2. Posted: May 11, 2023In:

    During a neighborhood bicycle race a boy must survive the increasing signs of violent, psychopathic behavior of his younger brother.

    Yarsh2468 Penpusher

    Protagonist: Boy Antagonist: younger brother Stakes: The Boy's life / Survival Story Goal: ? I think that your premise has emotional potential, but currently it feels like the emotion is missing (in the logline). I am sure that as a screenwriter you have this story mapped out in your head as to theRead more

    Protagonist: Boy
    Antagonist: younger brother
    Stakes: The Boy’s life / Survival
    Story Goal: ?

    I think that your premise has emotional potential, but currently it feels like the emotion is missing (in the logline). I am sure that as a screenwriter you have this story mapped out in your head as to the emotional predicament of a delusional and dangerous family member. But, in your current logline, it’s emotionless. Possibly something regarding the race could be used to describe the younger brother which would give us an incite into the emotional conflict. “violently jealous” “selfishly psychotic” something in relation to the event of the race like this could be used. Just food for thought, would love a response with a link to the short film when it is made!

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  3. Posted: May 5, 2023In:

    When a clinical study to create a vaccination that lowers heart attack risks accidentally creates a novel deadly flu variant, a medical missionary is forced to team up with the virus’s creators to stop a potential global pandemic that could kill millions. The missionary nun and her spy companions are forced to rely on a brutal Russian biocontainment unit if they are to escape from the Caribbean island’s deranged dictator and find a cure to prevent a global disaster.

    xtra3440 Penpusher

    This is so interesting! You clearly have a clear understanding of the story you want to write, but less might be more. Cutting down some details about the virus itself could leave more room to talk about the other things. Also removing passive language raised the stakes and hook more people! An examRead more

    This is so interesting! You clearly have a clear understanding of the story you want to write, but less might be more. Cutting down some details about the virus itself could leave more room to talk about the other things. Also removing passive language raised the stakes and hook more people! An example using just what you’ve written:

    When a clinical study accidentally creates a deadly flu variant, a medical missionary is forced to team up with the virus’ creators to stop a global pandemic. The missionary nun and her spy companions are forced to rely on a brutal Russian bio containment unit if they are to escape from the Caribbean island’s deranged dictator and find a cure to prevent a global disaster.

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