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Following a high school reunion a man seeks forgiveness from a childhood sweetheart who he wronged 15 years prior. She however has plans for revenge and will stop at almost nothing to ruin his perfect life.
If I understood this correctly, I'm intrigued. I'm assuming she had put it behind her in one way or another (ie. that she buried the trauma in her subconscious; or even that she assumed, herself, that she had forgiven him and had moved on) until the feelings resurface upon seeing him. There's a lotRead more
If I understood this correctly, I’m intrigued.
I’m assuming she had put it behind her in one way or another (ie. that she buried the trauma in her subconscious; or even that she assumed, herself, that she had forgiven him and had moved on) until the feelings resurface upon seeing him.
There’s a lot of potential there.
Formatting-wise, don’t forget your commas.
“Following a high school reunion, a man seeks forgiveness from a childhood sweetheart who he wronged fifteen years prior. She, however, has plans for revenge, and will stop at almost nothing to ruin his perfect life.”
Punctuation doesn’t add to the word count, and it helps with the ebb and flow of the read.
Even with the commas, it still doesn’t read as smoothly as it could; and unfortunately I don’t think it’s a matter of dropping a word or two in order to achieve that rhythmic, poetic flow that makes a logline beautiful.
Mind if I try?
“Faced with a blast from his past at his high school reunion, an opportunistic man seeks forgiveness from his former girlfriend, but inadvertently sparks a revenge plot in her that could ruin him.” (33 words)
This is if the man is the MC.
If the woman is the MC, I could see it reading something like this:
“After a brief encounter at their high school reunion, a woman spurned releases a level of hell’s fury with the aim to ruin her ex-boyfriend and everything he holds dear.” (30 words)
Truthfully, I don’t think either of my versions remain close enough to the original spirit of your logline, but hopefully (maybe?) you get a sense of rhythm and flow from them that you can try to emulate, should you attempt another draft?
At any rate, kudos for the story concept.
See lessI now see this was posted in 2014. I hope you were able to do something great with the script.
When a disillusioned Army scout is teamed with an overbearing sergeant to locate a Taliban stronghold, they find themselves caught behind enemy lines, dependent on each other for survival. (War)
First observation is the use of the obvious - if they're alone behind enemy lines they would be dependent on each other. juxtaposing disillusioned with overbearing doesn't really click. Beyond that I can't think of any way to give this a "hook".
First observation is the use of the obvious – if they’re alone behind enemy lines they would be dependent on each other.
See lessjuxtaposing disillusioned with overbearing doesn’t really click.
Beyond that I can’t think of any way to give this a “hook”.
After committing a series of brutal rapes, a young man must conceal his crimes when he supernaturally begins to feel the physical pains of one of his surviving victims…. His pregnant best friend.
First, don't give away the twist... his best friend. Second, one assumes he's been concealing the crimes all along. Third, supernaturally feels odd as the descriptor. Suggestion: A serial rapist begins to personally experience the physical trauma of his victims.
First, don’t give away the twist… his best friend.
Second, one assumes he’s been concealing the crimes all along.
Third, supernaturally feels odd as the descriptor.
Suggestion:
See lessA serial rapist begins to personally experience the physical trauma of his victims.