1. Posted: July 23, 2015In:

    Reluctantly sent to live with his uncle, a troubled boy befriends the uncle’s recently adopted, timid and frightened dog and together face their fears and find the courage to rescue his older brother from a methamphetamine drug ring.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    This logline is shorter and reads faster but still describes a vague and un clear plot. I think I may have not been clear about the need for a cause and effect relationship between the inciting incident and the goal. After Luke's adoptive parents, aunt Beru and uncle Owen, are killed by imperial troRead more

    This logline is shorter and reads faster but still describes a vague and un clear plot.

    I think I may have not been clear about the need for a cause and effect relationship between the inciting incident and the goal.

    After Luke’s adoptive parents, aunt Beru and uncle Owen, are killed by imperial troopers he must accompany a Jedi knight on a quest to join the rebellion and defeat the evil galactic empire.

    Luke’s goal is a clear cut derivative of his inciting incident which was a significant event none like any other he had experienced before that point.

    However in your story finding his brother is not a direct derivative of the MC rescuing a dog. As a result the plot is fragmented between seemingly unrelated events therefore it fails to illustrate a dramatic spin from start to finish.

    As previously mentioned if the goal is the brother the dog is an ally and unrelated to the plot and may not need to be in the logline.

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  2. Posted: July 23, 2015In:

    When their conversion to goodness is discovered by Lucifer, a young devil and his converted, ‘goody two shoes’ family flee Hell for the suburban life of Canberra where the boy finds that being a horned, red-skinned devil and ‘fitting in’ to Earthly life is not as easy as he thought.

    cryters Penpusher

    Thanks Tony. Yes, you're right but I was thinking of The Munsters and The Beverly Hillbillies, though with a refugee twist (the three series mentioned are just fish-out-of-water comedies, ie with no social undertones attached to them).

    Thanks Tony. Yes, you’re right but I was thinking of The Munsters and The Beverly Hillbillies, though with a refugee twist (the three series mentioned are just fish-out-of-water comedies, ie with no social undertones attached to them).

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  3. Posted: July 23, 2015In:

    After a vagabond takes shelter in an abandon building, he discovers an alien invasion and must thwart it before the walls come tumbling down.

    Christopher Penpusher

    Thanks for the comments. Your questions are good, but I don't have it all worked out yet.

    Thanks for the comments. Your questions are good, but I don’t have it all worked out yet.

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