Names are not required in a logline. It’s far better to use the limited word count to add characteristics to the characters as this will give the reader much more information about who they are and how they will act. That’s key to understanding the story.

It should ideally be one sentence of no more than 35 words. This can easily be trimmed down to fit. As per your previous logline – check out the formula page for tips on formatting.

I said in a review of your previous logline that film is a visual medium so you need to think visually. A character making a choice is not visual as the action happens inside the character’s head. Plus, without showing the character’s old life compared to the new, the audience will have nothing to base their opinion on and they need to be behind they protagonist in their decision. In a similar vein, don’t hide key components that make your story unique. Tell us what the startling revelation is. Without telling us this in the logline, why will we read the script when we don’t really know what the story is?

Inciting incident – there are few bits here that could arguably be the inciting incident. The head trauma (and subsequent memory loss), the introduction of Jen, or the revelation. Without fully understanding what the story is about, it’s tough to know which is the most important thing. You’d think it’d be the memory loss but, based on the rest of the logline, I have doubts – the inciting incident and the goal are linked closely together. If the I.I. is memory loss, the goal is getting her memory back – it’s about correcting a balance in the protagonist’s life. With this in mind, the memory loss is merely a plot device and could have potentially happened before the opening credits.

I have a vague idea where I think this story is going, but I’m making assumptions and that’s the one thing you don’t want a reader to do. If they make the wrong assumption, and based on their wrong assumption they choose not to read your script and develop it into a film… that’d suck! Make sure we know exactly what is going on so this doesn’t happen!

Hope this helps.