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In 2257, war rages on the planet Aria, a new colony for humanity in distress. The Anunnaki, more numerous and advanced, inflict heavy human and material losses on this planet. At the frontline base, Unitypoint, Sergeant Kane Killian and the soldiers of Bravo Company are on the front lines of the fight against this extraterrestrial race. From the frontline to dangerous missions, these soldiers face the realities of war, dealing with racism, vengeance, respect, and friendships.
This seems more like a synopsis than a logline. It is too long and focuses on unnecessary details that should not be a part of a logline. The logline loses focus of our main character (central POV), which I assume is Sergeant Kane Killian. I believe the exposition of the world is not necessary; it iRead more
This seems more like a synopsis than a logline. It is too long and focuses on unnecessary details that should not be a part of a logline. The logline loses focus of our main character (central POV), which I assume is Sergeant Kane Killian. I believe the exposition of the world is not necessary; it is only the conflicting force that goes up against our protagonist and his troops that should be the main focus. (the Anunnaki). The sort-out resolution of the characters is not clear either; how will they solve the invasion? Do they want to stop the invasion? How will they do it?
See lessWhen her father’s charred body is found on the outskirts of their outback town, a headstrong teenager destroys evidence so that the town’s secrets will remain buried in the ashes; but when an exchange student is struck by meteor fragments carrying a mind-altering parasite, federal authorities quarantine the town and our heroine must solve a murder mystery before she is absorbed into the alien hive-mind.
The word ‘When’ usually describes an inciting incident. You have two ‘when’s’ in your logline, indicating two inciting incidents… This is a logline issue. (Or perhaps a story issue) (Sorry I copy-pasted this, but you have to watch out with the word 'when')
The word ‘When’ usually describes an inciting incident.
See lessYou have two ‘when’s’ in your logline, indicating two inciting incidents…
This is a logline issue. (Or perhaps a story issue)
(Sorry I copy-pasted this, but you have to watch out with the word ‘when’)
1. A University recruits an inexperienced and idealistic academic as Dean, despite the secret plans of the sociopathic Deputy Vice-Chancellor to close the business school.
Hi MARKAFARRELL, Reading the logline and synopsis, this is what I see: When a business school's deputy Vice-Chancellor plans to shut down the establishment, a newly hired inexperienced dean struggles to save the school, and attract students despite the lack of proper resources and support. If so, usRead more
Hi MARKAFARRELL,
Reading the logline and synopsis, this is what I see:
When a business school’s deputy Vice-Chancellor plans to shut down the establishment, a newly hired inexperienced dean struggles to save the school, and attract students despite the lack of proper resources and support.
If so, use this as a template and re-write.
Good luck
I hope this helps.
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