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After cyborgs invades their town, a group of sons and daughters of cyborg hunters must stop them once and for all.
Hi IvyEight6, I'll give this a go. INTENTION: must stop cyborgs. OBSTACLE: cyborgs. STAKES: the world? Your logline is fine - but I think you just need to push on things and be specific. Oh and "once and for all" is unnecessary. It's ornamental that you don't really need. When cyborgs kill their cybRead more
Hi IvyEight6,
I’ll give this a go.
INTENTION: must stop cyborgs.
OBSTACLE: cyborgs.
STAKES: the world?
Your logline is fine – but I think you just need to push on things and be specific. Oh and “once and for all” is unnecessary. It’s ornamental that you don’t really need.
When cyborgs kill their cyborg hunter parents, a motley group of kids must stop them before (they invade the town? destroy the world? multiply?)
Things I did –
– I figured we should start with a real specific tragedy/trauma. By finding out cyborg hunters are gone – we know we’re in trouble.
– I used the word “motley” to perhaps suggest they are at odds with each other. I imagine there’s a better word though. It’s more conflict too.
– My last note would be that it needs a hook to stand out more. Something that really makes it stand out.
My one is by no means great but I hope it helps get the ball rolling.
Good luck!
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"When her husband dies in a freak accident, a Swedish immigrant to Australia determines to discover who is responsible for his death in spite the apathy of the local officials."
“When her husband dies in a freak accident, a Swedish immigrant to Australia determines to discover who is responsible for his death in spite the apathy of the local officials.”
See lessA smart young property developer locates the perfect large country house, but it is haunted. Knowing the ghost must go before the family arrive, a 250 year old murder has to be resolved.
Some things you put in there didn't seem important to the plot (e.g. smart, large...) Also, it could be phrased in a way that makes the inciting incident (i.e. When something happens...) and the protagonist's goal (i.e. so and so must...) more clear. Also, for some reason, I find mentioning the specRead more
Some things you put in there didn’t seem important to the plot (e.g. smart, large…) Also, it could be phrased in a way that makes the inciting incident (i.e. When something happens…) and the protagonist’s goal (i.e. so and so must…) more clear. Also, for some reason, I find mentioning the specific large number of years a bit awkward. How about something like this?
When a young property developer risks her life savings renovating an apparently haunted country house, she must solve the troublesome ghost’s centuries-old murder mystery before the new residents arrive.
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