After years of grieving and loneliness, an ex-luchador who has lost his wife and children in a mysterious accident becomes aware of his still alive children. But he has to fight the most horrible human trafficking ring to save them.
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Hi Matina
Way to much is happening here. This come across more as a synopsis than a logline.
Best advice refer to Karel’s notes, you can find them at the head of the page. Also have a read of other peoples loglines and comments.
A logline is made up of the following components:
? the Hero?s function or job
? the Hero?s weakness and/or how it?s overcome (optional)
? the story?s first major event or ?Inciting Incident? (optional)
? the Hero?s main goal in the story
? the Antagonist or obstacle(s)
? the stakes (unless implied in the goal/obstacle)
Depending on the purpose of the logline, you will include less or more. The logline in its simplest formula is this: When [a major event happens], [the Hero], must [do the main action].
JAWS:
? Major event: a swimmer is brutally killed by a shark
? Hero (function): a sheriff
? Main action: stop the killing monster
JAWS Logline:
When a swimmer is brutally killed by a shark, the local sheriff must stop the killing monster.
Best of luck!
the point is this is not a raw idea, this is a completed story and I’m looking for someone to make a film out of it. that’s why I have not written the logline.
Do you have a logline?
The reason for this website is to write, post and critique loglines, not completed stories.
Even if it’s a completed story and there’s no script for it yet, you can still write a logline using the format that B8C outlined for you.
Perhaps something like:
Major Event: His wife dies and children go missing
Hero: A grieving Mexican luchador
Main action: Find his children and break up the biggest human trafficking ring in Mexico.
Example logline:
After his wife dies and his children go missing, a grieving Mexican luchador must find his children and break up the biggest human trafficking ring in Mexico.
I know there are some points missing, but just to give you an idea of how you can boil it down to its core elements.
“When a former luchador discovers his estranged daughter’s in danger, he must fight a human trafficking ring in order to save her.”
When an ex-luchador discovers his runaway daughter has been forced into prostitution, he fights a human trafficking ring to rescue her.
Tempted to add: “in the United States”. It increase the word count, but it also increases the difficulty facing the luchador: he’s got to get across the border before he can begin to battle the traffickers.
I think the premise has promise. Luchadores are popular figures in Latin America. In sports, they are fighters in the ring; in folklore, they are fighters for the downtrodden. And human trafficking is a very real, very serious problem.
Intriguing concept. I realise it is not a logline but producers/directors read loglines before a synopsis.
Maybe even, Retired Luchador
I like how you upped the stakes with the daughter.
thank you Hillary, nice advice.
Does this work?
“A retired luchador must elude American border patrols and crack a lethal human trafficking ring to recover his lost daughter.”
or, alternately,
“A retired luchador must crack a lethal human trafficking ring and elude American border patrols to recover his lost daughter.”
Just depending on which threat is actually seen as more dangerous, and in what order things may happen.
I must say, I really like this one.