Posted: 2014-11-20T18:39:37+10:00 In:

A bereaved businessman becomes obsessed with the identity of an amnesia sufferer who saves his life only to become embroiled in a supernatural conflict that threatens to claim everything he holds close.

Finding Rachel

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    10 Reviews

    1. Thanks so much for this advice. One of the challenges I had in this longline is that I cannot reveal what the supernatural element is as it is the twist to the story. Cheers and I will tweak again more in line with your recommendations.

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    2. Thanks so much for this advice. One of the challenges I had in this longline is that I cannot reveal what the supernatural element is as it is the twist to the story. Cheers and I will tweak again more in line with your recommendations.

      • 0
    3. Singularity

      If the story is a super natural thriller it would be good to describe the antagonist. Because in the super natural genres the form of the super natural is what is interesting. Is it a ghost, demonic possession or ancient monster? Either one would be fine but either one would paint the concept in a different way.

      The particulars of the evil thing will help make this a unique and interesting story. Perhaps best if you elaborate on the super natural element in the logline.

      Hope this helps.

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    4. Singularity

      If the story is a super natural thriller it would be good to describe the antagonist. Because in the super natural genres the form of the super natural is what is interesting. Is it a ghost, demonic possession or ancient monster? Either one would be fine but either one would paint the concept in a different way.

      The particulars of the evil thing will help make this a unique and interesting story. Perhaps best if you elaborate on the super natural element in the logline.

      Hope this helps.

      • 0
    5. Singularity

      I agree with the comments above, good advice.

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    6. Singularity

      I agree with the comments above, good advice.

      • 0

    7. Agree with the previous comment about the need for specificity. What is the supernatural conflict, and how exactly does it threaten him?

      The other thing that might improve this logline is by restating the first part of it in the form of the inciting incident that drives the throughline of the story.

      Something like this:

      After his life is saved by a mysterious amnesiac, a bereaved businessman?s struggle to ascertain his identity leads to a supernatural conflict that threatens to destroy his entire life.

      Hope this helps

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    8. Agree with the previous comment about the need for specificity. What is the supernatural conflict, and how exactly does it threaten him?

      The other thing that might improve this logline is by restating the first part of it in the form of the inciting incident that drives the throughline of the story.

      Something like this:

      After his life is saved by a mysterious amnesiac, a bereaved businessman?s struggle to ascertain his identity leads to a supernatural conflict that threatens to destroy his entire life.

      Hope this helps

      • 0

    9. I’m pretty new at this, but it feels like too much info, and it’s a bit confusing.
      Businessmen don’t seem that interesting-
      Could he be described another way? “Everything he holds close” seems a bit cliche. Maybe the specifics of what is threatened would be more interesting?
      However I’m sure it’s great!!

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    10. I’m pretty new at this, but it feels like too much info, and it’s a bit confusing.
      Businessmen don’t seem that interesting-
      Could he be described another way? “Everything he holds close” seems a bit cliche. Maybe the specifics of what is threatened would be more interesting?
      However I’m sure it’s great!!

      • 0