A conflicted irreplaceable right hand man to a mob boss, finds his warnings disregarded in a tug of war between two warring bosses for his allegiance. ? ??

dude, I think you’re out with your commas. You defo don’t need one after boss, but you need one if you list adjectives.

(You mentioned a logline I posted needed a comma, when it doesn’t. I teach English grammar.)

However, you could hyphenize ‘right-hand man’.

However, I also think too many adjectives are too easy – choose one either ‘conflicted’ or ‘irreplaceable’. The key is to be as concise as possible and tell the core of the story in as few words as you can.

Remember the purpose is to get someone to ask you to tell you more, not to bombard them with a lengthy sentence difficult to understand.

This is too wordy.

The story sounds exciting, however, so you just need to cut it.

Get the shears out. Make it as simple as possible.

“An irreplaceable right-hand man is caught in a war of allegiance between two mob bosses…”

That sounds exciting.

You could add:

“An irreplaceable right-hand man, caught in a war of allegiance between two mob bosses, finds his warnings disregarded…”

oh I see it’s not even a film you’re working on. Why am I wasting my time then?

To clarify your grammar:

We don’t put commas after the subject and before the verb.

The subject is the ‘right-hand man’ and ‘finds’ is the verb.

We wouldn’t say ‘The boy, kicked the ball.’

We’d say ‘The boy kicked the ball.’

If anything ‘to a mob boss’ should be in brackets.

The sentence would read fine as:

“An irreplaceable right-hand man finds his warnings disregarded in a tug of war between two warring bosses…”

or

“An irreplaceable right-hand man (to a mob boss) finds his warnings disregarded in a tug of war between two warring bosses…”