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wilsondownunderPenpusher
Posted: July 17, 20132013-07-17T12:36:33+10:00 2013-07-17T12:36:33+10:00In: Public

A corporate executive is forced to choose between taking his dream job overseas with his new girlfriend or staying to try and repair his relationship with his estranged brooding teenage daughter when she announce she’s pregnant.

Simon Someone

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    4 Reviews

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    1. jamesmichael Penpusher
      2013-07-17T14:08:32+10:00Added an answer on July 17, 2013 at 2:08 pm

      This is much better. I just think that changing the word order will make it much clearer

      “When his estranged teenage daughter announces she’s pregnant, a coorporate executive must choose between strenthening his relationship with his new girlfriend or trying to mend his old reltionship with his daughter”

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    2. wilsondownunder Penpusher
      2013-07-19T09:06:17+10:00Added an answer on July 19, 2013 at 9:06 am

      Thanks – your rework reads much better

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    3. nickt
      2013-07-19T11:04:45+10:00Added an answer on July 19, 2013 at 11:04 am

      I like the ingredients. It’s not the stuff of blockbusters, but can be executed to succeed as a Comedy.

      My main issue with it is that it reads as if the hero will deliberate on this decision for the entire film. If it plays out like that, he’s not in action, he’s in deliberation, and risks frustrating the audience.

      The option is to be clear on his decision early in the story, to take a leap at the climax of Act I – eg. turn his back on the dream job and try to support his estranged daughter, to redeem himself – and from Act II we see him fail and succeed at this.

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    4. wilsondownunder Penpusher
      2013-07-19T20:44:52+10:00Added an answer on July 19, 2013 at 8:44 pm

      That’s the plan. He tries and fails to the point of giving up…but of course follows through to the end in true hero style

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