PAWN
AzPenpusher
A cunning serial predator lures a stranded schoolgirl back to his den, where he tries to make her a pawn in his sadistic game, or, can she outplay him?
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The question doesn’t help. Try stating her aim. Plus how does he use her? Try explaining how their goals compete.
Thank you for your advice. In response how about this rewrite?
‘A cunning serial predator lures a stranded schoolgirl back to his den, where he tries to use her as a pawn in his sadistic game of depravity, however the girls survival instincts makes her a worthy opponent that could put him out of play for good.’
I would really appreciate your feedback.
Thanks, Az
You should write the logline from the point of view of the main character. such as: :When a schoolgirl is lured into a serial killers den, she must…:
I recommend to watch Hard Candy who is structured about a similar idea: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0424136/?ref_=kw_li_tt
Great point FFF, agreed.
Uh, not exactly. In “Hard Candy” the sexual predator is the prey, the teenager is the predator. She is the character driving the plot. He thinks he is luring her only to find out she was used herself as bait to entrap him and punish him for his sexual crimes. She castrates him and drives him to hang himself.
Thanks dpg, agreed.
?A stranded schoolgirl is lured back to the den of a cunning serial predator and over a chess match tries to make her a pawn in his sadistic game of depravity, however the girls survival instincts makes her a worthy opponent that could put him out of play for good.?
Or
‘A cunning serial predator lures a stranded schoolgirl back to his den and over a chess match tries to make her a pawn in his sadistic game of depravity, however the girls survival instincts makes her a worthy opponent that could put him out of play for good.?
Why chess? this is a vague way to describe their battle of wits.
The latest draft of the logline is too vague in its descriptions and lacks specific terms for the plot to be clear.
Is the den his house? Or is it a cave? Is it an abandoned castle? Etc?
By chess match is this an analogy to what they really do? Or do they actually play chess with a wager?
What is his “…sadistic game of depravity?” in specific terms?
In what way will her “…survival instincts makes her a worthy opponent ?” as this would be try to most protagonists in many stories?
What is the girl’s goal? What does “…could put him out of play for good?” mean or look like in specific terms? Will she castrate him? Kill him? Have him arrested? Etc…
Hope this helps.
As Nir Shelter said.
And I don’t see a unique hook here. It’s seems to be a minor variant of the standard template for the genre: to wit, an innocent victim must outwit a psychopathic captor in order to survive.
I think the problem is that the logline is too vague. What makes this film stand out of all the movies where a girl is kinapped by a psychopath? What is precisely the “sadistic game” they play? What does the girl precisely do to put him our of play?
If the fact that the girl outwits the psychopath is a final surprise you should skip this detail. If she dominates in some way (how?) the psychopath, this must be better explained in the logline.
I think about The bunny game, a torture movie in black and white with almost only 2 character, the girl and the psycho- I don’t think the logline of this movie can be really exciting (but the movie is excellent in my opinion)
The premise and plot are set as a standard template where the victim outwits the psychopathic captor. Just like we have slasher movies genre all having pretty much the same template however all unique in their own way.
In response:
Why chess?
They actually play a game of chess together.
Is the den his house? Or is it a cave? Is it an abandoned castle? Etc?
It is his house though deep in the Forrest and very dark, hence similitude to den.
What is his ?sadistic game of depravity?? in specific terms?
Through the game of chess the predator makes several subtle attempts to take advantage and overpower her innocence.
In what way will her ?survival instincts makes her a worthy opponent ?? as this would be try to most protagonists in many stories?
She is a bright young girl and becomes aware of what the predator is doing. By keeping a level head and buying time she keeps the game going, try to save herself and also put a stop to him.
What is the girl?s goal? What does ?could put him out of play for good?? mean or look like in specific terms? Will she castrate him? Kill him? Have him arrested? Etc?
Hope this helps.
Eventually have him arrested.
This logline is phrased as though the sadistic serial predator is the protagonist (it starts and follows their journey until “can she outplay him?”). The red flag there is that you’re going to face a challenge making that character likeable. But stranger things have happened.
More concerning is that there is not event that happens TO your protagonist (he deciding to abduct this woman), so the structure of your story is fundamentally broken. Remember, in the first act something has to happen TO the protagonist to shake them from their day to day life and force them to take SOME action in response.
I personally can’t stand questions in a logline — this isn’t a pitch, it’s a logline. It’s the core concept distilled of your movie. There shouldn’t be any questions, just the bare bones idea of the film. Right now I don’t know what that is. I would instead be clearer with what the protagonist’s goal is, and what is at stake if they fail.
I think you’ve missed some of the rewrites, as it appears you are referring to the first post.
Here’s more rewrites:
?A stranded schoolgirl is lured back to the house of a cunning serial predator, where over a chess match she realises her opponent is making sadistic moves to endanger her life, however her survival instincts makes for a worthy opponent that puts him out of play for good.?
Or variant on ending
?A stranded schoolgirl is lured back to the house of a cunning serial predator, where over a chess match she realises her opponent is making sadistic moves to endanger her life, however her survival instincts makes for a worthy opponent that puts an end to his sick games.?
When a na?ve schoolgirl is lured into the house of a serial predator, she must outwit him in a game of chess to save her life.
Yes I like this, thanks DPG. Please can others share their views on this.
Thanks also to all who have commented.
Is this for a short film?
Yes indeed.
I can’t see a chess game being made very interesting, perhaps for a minute or two as part of a scene it could but not for a whole scene or whole short film.
Secondly as many have already noted you need to state in specific terms what the protagonist will actually do. Stating that she will become a worthy opponent is inherit in the fact that she is the protagonist so this statement is redundant.
As you can see from DPG’s re draft he removed that line but even in that the logline is not clear on why or how she will save her life over the game of chess. If she wins the game and he is truly a psycho he will do what he wants to do regardless. If he doesn’t as a result of the game of chess then he wasn’t really a threat and the power of the climax her beating him at the end will be diluted.
Are there no other vehicles to portray their battle of wit?
Hello, I don’t think that the logline exercise is really useful for a short film. Anyway dgp rewrite is just perfect, expecially for a short film.
Thanks
I think the exercise of writing a logline can be useful for a script of any length. I see this as another example underscoring the need for a field in the posting to indicate the format (feature film, short, series). Knowing that really makes a difference evaluating the logline.
(And a field for genre, too.)
Loglines are useful for stories of all lengths.
I found them useful for a 2 minute short film with no dialogue and a 110 page film as the basic functions of a logline are applicable regardless.
Also agreed with DPG we do need a format category for new submissions in the new website.