Pod Zombies (working title)
A deadly fungus outbreak at a secret UN lab brings special forces soldier to defy his orders to save an old love… and human kind.
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Hello, “defy his orders” is too vague, and who is the “old love”? How this concerns the human kind? You can improuve the logline trying to be more specific, add some details, without making it longer.
From the title I take it that the fungus turns people into zombies.
The zombie trope has been done so many times since Night of The Living Dead that you can rely on the pre existing knowledge of the genre.
Don’t be ashamed of the trope celebrate it for all it can be, by that I mean no need to waist time on describing the exact way in which people become zombies just jump to the point that they do.
The story here is about a special forces soldier saving his girl friend or boy friend not about people turning into zombies.
For example:
After a special forces soldier is sent in with his platoon to stop a zombie outbreak he must go AWOL to save his girl friend from the infestation.
Hope this helps.
When a deadly virus at a secret UN lab breaks out, a special forces soldier goes AWOL to save his scientist girlfriend from death but his actions inadvertently become the vehicle for mankind’s possible destruction.
Okay. After brainstorming with my friend Dan:
When a deadly fungus outbreak occurs, a Special Forces soldier looks to reconcile his love affair with a gorgeous scientist, and then maybe save the world.
How or in what way does a virus break out motivate the special forces soldier to reconcile his love affair.
The two are just not connected to each other and lack the cause and effect relationship that an inciting incident and goal need.
Adding maybe to the secondary goal dilutes its importance and impact whilst presenting the main character as reluctant one.
What is this story about? The soldier’s love affair or him saving the world?
Pick one a draft the logline about that not two separate goals.
Looks to me like saving the world works better as it directly relates to the inciting incident because of one he must do the other. How ever this describes many zombie movies World War Z comes to mind as a very similar example to this. To that matter what is unique about this particular story that makes it stand aside from the rest?