Crime/Sci-fi/Thriler
A homicide detective goes on the run to prove his innocence after he?s framed for murder by a malevolent police cyber-intelligence.
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Thanks Nir. Everyone’s input has been fantastic.
Hi Leeb0159.
The latest draft of the logline reads best and outlines a clear plot personally I prefer the second option:
“After being framed for murder by a malevolent police cyber-intelligence, a homicide detective goes on the run to prove his innocence.”
That makes sense. I think I might just simplify everything and reveal the true antag in logline. How do either of these revisions read? Thanks for the invaluable feedback.
A homicide detective goes on the run to prove his innocence after he?s framed for murder by a malevolent police cyber-intelligence.
After being framed for murder by a malevolent police cyber-intelligence, a homicide detective goes on the run to prove his innocence.
This re draft is still missing a crucial element the inciting incident i.e starting point. It also adds almost an entire sentence buffer between the begin gin of the logline and the plot.
“In a future where past homicides can be viewed in real-time,” – is redundant. Better to replace it with an inciting incident that sets the detective off on his journey to fight to prove his innocence.
Thanks Nir. I see where you’re coming from. It seems I have to restructure the logline to set up the world of the story. Maybe something like this:
In a future where past homicides can be viewed in real-time, a detective fights to prove his innocence when he?s framed for murder by a killer he once captured and saw executed.
Best to word a logline in a way that depicts a story, after a significant event happens to this main character he or she must take a compelling action to achieve a clear goal. I.e; instead of “Framed for murder,” which is an obscure time reference and strange way to start a sentence specify: After he was framed for murder…
Better to determine specifics rather than hint at potentials instead of “?seemingly?” just use he returned.
Lastly better to connect the inciting incident with the goal if he is being framed for murder he must do something about that and prove his innocence not just catch the killer as a separate item.
E.g:
After being framed for murder a detective must hunt down the real killer which he put on the electric chair years before to prove his innocence.
Thanks Russ and Nir Shelter. Great feedback. Hopefully this revision works:
Framed for murder, a detective hunts a homicidal scientist he captured and saw executed, who has seemingly returned to launch a new, more terrifying killing spree.
Good re draft of the logline but better I think to position the inciting incident earlier so we know where and when the story started to get a sense of the journey.
i.e:
After a serial killer he put on death row rises from the dead a detective must hunt down the madman before he murders the detectives family.
Don’t be afraid of the supernatural in your story even if it is actually not the case and there is a perfectly logical explanation for the reincarnation let it live as a supernatural element in the logline. Assuming that part of the suspense will be experiencing the fear of the unknown super natural throughout the film with the anticipation of the logical explanation by the end.
Also the end of days extermination is a bit unrelated, out of the blue and lends itself to being questionably plausible, I changed it to his own family as it also makes the goal personal for the MC.
Hope this helps.
Hi Leebo,
The thing with your revision is that it brings up more questions than you can answer and I think you would be better trying to re-work it so they don’t come up. To that extent, I think the original ‘new killing spree’ worked better.
Otherwise, you’re almost there. However, this bit – ‘he captured and saw executed …… from the grave’ needs to be more succinct. The premise sounds cool – he’s chasing down someone he thought was already dead/had witnessed being executed – it’s just too wordy right now. I doubt ‘years ago’ matters and if you word it right, the reader can surmise he’d already captured him before.
And maybe put ‘homicide detective’ and we can infer, if he’s chasing down the scientist, that the man’s a murderer.
Just throwing some ideas out there – hope they help.
Thanks Richiev. I like elements of your revised logline. That’s pretty incredible that elements within your logline are what happen in the script. My concern with your revision is that it may take too long to get to the protag. There is also much more at stake than the detective’s career.
How about this:
A detective hunts a homicidal scientist he captured and saw executed years ago, who has seemingly risen from the grave with the means to exterminate the human race.
Thanks again.
“When the scientist who he put on death row has seemingly risen from the grave, a hard nosed detective disobeys his skeptical chiefs orders and pursues the madman at the risk of his career.”