Penpusher
Posted: 2013-05-20T04:03:01+10:00 In:

A disillusioned real estate developer vows to protect the residents of Almiiitey who believe they will be saved from his company?s plans for their future by a spirit from their past.

Almiitey, Maine

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    13 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      Character is there, Goal is there, But could you expand on what’s stopping him reaching this goal ? Other than that this sounds interesting !

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    2. Hi Almiiitey,

      Does the story take place among the aborigines?
      Is the conflict between the developer and the company employing him?

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    3. Penpusher

      Thanks so much for your comment, Callum.S. This is a complex story and trying to squeeze it into 25 words is a very interesting exercise. I have revised the logline to, hopefully, clarify the goal. I would welcome your comments.

      An attorney defends local residents against his own firm when he suspects it sanctioned murder to force a real estate development deal on the town.

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    4. Penpusher

      Hello Jean-Marie Mazaleyrat. The story takes place in Maine, USA and is much a culture clash between big city business and what we refer to as “local” people. Yes, you’re right, it is a conflict between the main character and his employer. I revised the logline and would welcome your comments. Thanks so much for your help.

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    5. Hi almiiitey,

      I’m sorry, English is not my native language.
      Can you explicite “when he suspects it sanctioned murder ” just for me please ?

      Thanks

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    6. Samurai

      It means the attorney thinks that the firm he worked for killed people so that they could scare other people to sell up their land. (I assume).

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    7. Thanks nicholasandrewhalls.
      It’s clear now

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    8. Is there any community in the Maine which can think it can be save by a spirit from its past?

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    9. Penpusher

      Maine has many small, isolated towns and the winters are long so there is a tradition of storytelling, including ghost stories. There is a legend from the 1800’s about a famous man who gets a woman pregnant and abandons her. She dies in childbirth and vows revenge with her last dying breath. When the famous man dies, a dark mark appears on his tombstone in the seductive shape of a woman’s leg. The tombstone has been replaced many times and the mark always returns. My mother showed me the tombstone when I was a child. So, yes, I think it would be realistic to think a Maine town might have a legend about a past ancestor who will return to save the town in the future.

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    10. Penpusher

      Hi Almiiitey,

      This is very interesting because it can give substance and a fantastical dimension to your story. There are many good things to enrich it:
      – The attorney must gradually discover this legend/story parallel to the course of the events
      – That spirit is real and intervenes in history despite the incredulity of the attorney (initially it will be an obstacle, then it will become help while remaining eerie until resolution)
      – The villains are descendants of this man by another line (children born from a subsequent marriage or avanture)
      – The baby survived his mother, then has himself descendants who also become protagonists.
      …
      You can develop one or two subplot about the past to increase mystery and unease.

      At this point, nothing is written. If you feel that you can, write it. If you’re not interested, tell me. I’ll write it. If it interests you but you cannot do it, we can develop together.

      There is something smelling like “Sleepy Hollow” which is fascinating and could be placed today.

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    11. Penpusher

      Thank you for your comments Jean-Marie Mazaleyrat. I have actually written this screenplay and it does include many of your excellent suggestions. I hope that means I am moving in the right direction with the logline.

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    12. Penpusher

      Hi Almiiitey,

      Congratulations!

      These are main elements of your story, as they define the environment in which your hero must reach its goal (genre, atmosphere, challenges, question marks, help …)

      Your logline would be better if these were given or suggested I think. And you can be more concise for the rest.

      According with my upper ideas, it could be something like that:
      “A skeptical attorney, trying to protect from his company?s plans the Almiiitey community, is brought to work with a spirit from its past who needs to avenge this company’s owners”
      (30 words)

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    13. Penpusher

      Maybe it is better like that. Please excuse my english mistakes. 🙂

      “A skeptical attorney, trying to protect against his company?s plans the Almiiitey community, is brought to work with a spirit from its past which needs to wreak revenge on the company owners?
      (33words)

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