Immunity (411th Revision)
Lucius PaisleyLogliner
A doctor battles his fear of needles to rescue his daughter from a former physician, the source of his phobia, bound to his daughter by blood.
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I think the issue is less with the logline than with the concept itself. This sounds more like a regular day in the life of millions of people, not a unique conflict. No one goes to movies (or produces movies) that are similar to a regular day in the life, unless your filming a documentary.
The conflict is minimal; I could have saved you 410 revisions.
As the logline goes, technically, you repeat the word “daughter” (not good), you hint of his phobis twice (not necessary), and we have no earthly idea what “bound to his daughter by blood” menas; are they related? We also don’t know what he’s rescuing her from (obstacles), what will happen if he fails (stakes), the “hook” (what makes this story unique), etc.
Needs #412. Start with the word “When…”, and it will help force you to answer many of this unknowns. Most importantly, if the concept isn’t “there”, move on to another story. Good luck!
Can somebody add a minus sign in the ‘was this answer helpful’ box?
I have to agree. A doctor battling his fear of needles isn’t that compelling. Besides, if he had a fear of needles how did he even become a doctor.
I have no idea what “bound to his daughter by blood” means. All fathers are bound to their daughters by blood. (Unless the daughter is adopted)
If it’s a former physician why does she need saved from him? I could see if it was her current physician and he was giving her bad treatment but if it is a former physician, unless he has kidnapped her (which would need to be mentioned) I don’t see how he can be such a threat.
That doesn’t mean you don’t have a good idea but the logline is more confusing than informative.
I’m sorry but afraid I have to agree with sharkeatingman and Richiev. When I first read it I thought it was a short comedy film. The logline seems confused as in the mission is so minimal at the beginning and than you throw in the story about blood and all of a sudden it goes dark.
The overall story of the idea needs to be in there and then thread around it that the guy i scared of something hidden and raise that from simply needles to why he is afraid of needles. Could his Mother have died of a heroin overdose? So far the log line doesn’t know what your asking it to do and if you read these comments you will see that it is confusing your audience also. Definitely give it another try and see what you can come up with.
I agree with everything that has been said before, but I don’t think that overall it would be very helpful for Lucius. I looked at the other (4) versions and perhaps the logline could go along the lines of:
When a sadistic madman threatens the lives of his daughter and her schoolmates, a doctor must find a way to overcome his own fears and save the children.
Does this make sense?
THANK YOU.
Boiled down, that is pretty much the “main” story. I seemed to have been bogged down by the suggestion that a link between the madman and the doctor should be evident in my logline. I already thought it was evident (somewhere) in one of my other loglines, but it seemed to need far more explaining than word count would allow.
THANK YOU.
Boiled down, that is pretty much the main? story. I seemed to have been bogged down by the suggestion that a link between the madman and the doctor should be evident in my logline. I already thought it was evident (somewhere) in one of my other loglines, but it seemed to need far more explaining than word count would allow.
I decided to go back and review your previous logline attempts:
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“When a school is held captive by the man responsible for the death of his sister, a doctor has visions of a lost childhood revealing the secret between his sister and the man that now threatens his daughter’s life.”
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“With an entire school held captive, a doctor must relive a traumatic childhood that may solve the mystery behind the sadistic madman that threatens his daughter’s life.”
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“A doctor is forced to relive his traumatic childhood in order to solve the mystery that may save his daughter’s life.”
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The problem is you are presenting some abstract ideas that don’t really give us any clue to what’s going on.
I would start with the best part of your loglines: “When his daughters school is held captive by the man responsible for his sisters death…” (This is very solid)
The problem is, “Saving his daughter by reliving a traumatic childhood” or “saving his daughter by battling his fear of needles,” is way too abstract, it doesn’t tell us how does that action saves his daughter.
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“When his daughters school is held captive by the man responsible for his sisters death, In order to save her, a father must give clues to the police negotiator about madman’s mindset by undergoing hypno-therapy, reliving a traumatic experience”
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This would explain how reliving a traumatic experience would help save his daughter.
However, my logline attempt is still too long and rough but hopefully you see where I am going with it. I hope this helps.
‘I would start with the best part of your loglines: When his daughters school is held captive by the man responsible for his sisters death?? (This is very solid)’
I have written exactly that at least a couple of hundred times, but then I get all my possessive pronouns mixed up and I scrap it i.e. “is it the man responsible’s sister or is it the doctor’s sister?”
But now I’ve got some backup on that line, I’m definitely using it.
Thanks. This is definitely useful advice.