Never The Same
A drug addicted rich kid breaks into an unsuspecting college students parents home who is home from college due to a just diagnoses of severe diabetic. The situation takes a turn for the worse as a hot shot negotiator tries to prove himself rather than save the girl, who falls into diabetic shock slowly as the hostage taker battles withdraw symptoms. The ending of this terrible situation is tragic and carries swift punishment, no one will ever be the same.
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Who is the lead character?
Who is the lead character?
Um… Drug addicted rich kid. Girl is more symbolic, hence death in end. How to make protagonist more clear…ideas?
Um… Drug addicted rich kid. Girl is more symbolic, hence death in end. How to make protagonist more clear…ideas?
A rich kid drug addict triggers a siege when he takes a hostage during a break and enter. The diabetic hostage’s health quickly deteriorates as the a self serving negotiator and the addict suffering withdrawal argue it out.
Not great but a start. Focus on the goals of the story. What does everyone want. There is usually one path through a story, that’s your logline.
A rich kid drug addict triggers a siege when he takes a hostage during a break and enter. The diabetic hostage’s health quickly deteriorates as the a self serving negotiator and the addict suffering withdrawal argue it out.
Not great but a start. Focus on the goals of the story. What does everyone want. There is usually one path through a story, that’s your logline.
So… how many loglines do you have there?
So… how many loglines do you have there?
Thanks for the feedback so far. I’m rewriting as we speak.
Thanks for the feedback so far. I’m rewriting as we speak.
Don’t be to sarcastic Lucius, but yes, all I see now is a synopsis. Kill ALL your darlings and get to the bone of your story by writing a kickass logline!!! You will be surprised that killing your darlings does not mean killing your logline/story. Less is more! Und so weiter!
Don’t be to sarcastic Lucius, but yes, all I see now is a synopsis. Kill ALL your darlings and get to the bone of your story by writing a kickass logline!!! You will be surprised that killing your darlings does not mean killing your logline/story. Less is more! Und so weiter!
It’s way too long. I know that right off the bat. Go back to your core ideas and streamline everything. Tell the smallest possible version of your story in a sentence.
It’s way too long. I know that right off the bat. Go back to your core ideas and streamline everything. Tell the smallest possible version of your story in a sentence.
As far as I can figure out, the crux of the situation seems to be that the hostage taker is suffering drug withdrawal symptoms at the same time as his hostage victim is going into diabetic shock.
But I can’t figure out who the protagonist is.
And the logline sort of gives away the ending “the ending of this terrible situation is tragic”, something a logline should never do.
As far as I can figure out, the crux of the situation seems to be that the hostage taker is suffering drug withdrawal symptoms at the same time as his hostage victim is going into diabetic shock.
But I can’t figure out who the protagonist is.
And the logline sort of gives away the ending “the ending of this terrible situation is tragic”, something a logline should never do.
Thanks for all the answers! Here is my revision:
A misguided thief finds himself in a hostage situation with a suicidal drug addict who rather see them both die than get out alive.
Thanks for all the answers! Here is my revision:
A misguided thief finds himself in a hostage situation with a suicidal drug addict who rather see them both die than get out alive.
Who is the protagonist, the thief or the addict? Whoever it is should lead off the logline and the action should be described in the active voice, with stronger verbs than “finds himself”.
Also, the revision sets up a situation for a plot, but it doesn’t describe a plot. The plot is what happens after the inciting incident that sets up the situation.
And what is the inciting incident? How did these two get thrown together?
Who is the protagonist, the thief or the addict? Whoever it is should lead off the logline and the action should be described in the active voice, with stronger verbs than “finds himself”.
Also, the revision sets up a situation for a plot, but it doesn’t describe a plot. The plot is what happens after the inciting incident that sets up the situation.
And what is the inciting incident? How did these two get thrown together?
The story is much, much shorter but completelyy confusing now.
I would use Graigs version of your logline as a guideline for further revisions:
“A rich kid drug addict triggers a siege when he takes a hostage during a break and enter. The diabetic hostage?s health quickly deteriorates as the a self serving negotiator and the addict suffering withdrawal argue it out.”
Although even in this version I’m not sure who is the protag and who is the entag?
And where is the irony in the story?
The story is much, much shorter but completelyy confusing now.
I would use Graigs version of your logline as a guideline for further revisions:
“A rich kid drug addict triggers a siege when he takes a hostage during a break and enter. The diabetic hostage?s health quickly deteriorates as the a self serving negotiator and the addict suffering withdrawal argue it out.”
Although even in this version I’m not sure who is the protag and who is the entag?
And where is the irony in the story?
I tried to put irony in the second draft by having the hostage not care about his life… Originally I wanted the hostage taker to be the protagonist and the negotiator be the antagonist, then I decided maybe the hostage themselves should be the protagonist. I’m trying to catch that feeling of a situation spiraling out of control
I tried to put irony in the second draft by having the hostage not care about his life… Originally I wanted the hostage taker to be the protagonist and the negotiator be the antagonist, then I decided maybe the hostage themselves should be the protagonist. I’m trying to catch that feeling of a situation spiraling out of control
Yes, sometimes it takes time to get the right feeling. I dig.
Yes, sometimes it takes time to get the right feeling. I dig.