Finding Lilith
A female terrorist forces the son of the president of the U.S. to help her in finding her sister, Lilith, who was abducted by the U.S. government because of Lilith's Godly telekinetic powers.
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I agree with Nir Shelter.
And a recall of one general rule in loglines: avoid names (like “Lilith”).
Reading the original logline I thought of this as a teen movie, so I’d say:
“After her sister is abducted by the government because of her mental powers, a smart girl convinces the U.S president’s son to join her in a desperate rescue mission”.
If her sister has “godly telekenetic powers” how is it possible for anyone to abduct and restrain her against her will?
And why wouldn’t the terrorist just hold the son hostage with the threat of execution as a leverage to force the U.S. government to release her sister? Just being the son of the U.S. President doesn’t, ipso facto, endow him with the necessary skills and knowledge to help her find her sister.
I agree with Nir. Even without restructuring, at the very least you can cut out all the repeated and unnecessary words.
“A female terrorist forces the son of the president of the U.S. to help her in finding her sister, Lilith, who was abducted by the U.S. government because of Lilith’s Godly telekinetic powers”
Would become:
“A female terrorist forces the son of the president to help her find her telekinetic sister who has been abducted by the government.”
But it still lacks stakes and an implied ending. Maybe something more like:
“A desperate woman forces the president’s son to help rescue her sister, before the government can use her god-like telekinetic powers to take over the world.”
(or whatever their end goal is).
What is the significants of the terrorist being female?
If this is not important to the plot best to drop that description.
If there was an eleventh commandment I am sure it would have gone something like this:
Thou shall not waist a word in thy logline?
The logline is structured so that the president’s son is the MC but I can see that you mean the terrorist is the MC. Best to change the structure of the logline to specify first an inciting incident that happens to the terrorist: After her sister is abducted by government agents a young girl?
By defining your MC as a terrorist she is immediately defined as a negative person. Was she a terrorist before her sister was abducted? Did she become a terrorist after her sister was abducted and work for a known terror organisation? If all she is doing is helping her sister she is not a terrorist she is a criminal motivated by love. Best to change her description to a more positive one.
How would she force the presidents son? Would she threaten him? Seduce him? Trick him? Best to specify as this is a major plot hole. It would be highly unlikely that just anyone could approach the first family with ease enough to force one of them to do something against their will. What is the special way in which the MC gets around this difficulty?
The wording of the logline puts emphasis on the end of act one (“…forces the son of the president?”) the end of act 3 (“…finding her sister?”), back story and inciting incident in the wrong order (“…who was abducted by the U.S. government because of Lilith’s Godly telekinetic powers.”). But explains ver little of what happens in act 2 the majority of the film.
I recommend for the next draft of the logline to change the structure to having an inciting incident happen to the MC at the begging with a different character description then describe the main action the MC ail take throughout the film then the antagonist and the goal.
Hope this helps.