The Cow With No Milk
FFFMentor
When a broken film critic must find the most ascetic Persan director and persuade him to shoot an unrestrained blockbuster in Paris, he pick the wrong man and have to deal with him to save his career.
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Your really need to work on this. In the first sentence, once you remove the words modifying the film critic, look at what’s left: ‘A film critic is paid to have him shooting a big action movie in Paris.’ It doesn’t make sense. In the second sentence, who brought an imposter? I think there could be a good story buried in your logline, but you’re not showing it yet. Keep at it. You might benefit from reading a style guide or two. Let me know if you want me to recommend a couple.
I changed the logline trying to make it lore clear, is it any better?
“The author of a fake interview with the master of indie Iraqi cinema is sent to middle east to find the hermit living director and have him shooting a big action movie in Paris. When he realises the man he bought to Paris is actually an impostor he makes a deal with him to fool everyone, only to find that the whole movie is a fraud and that he must redeem himself as a film critic to regain his self-esteem.”
‘Regain his self esteem’ should probably be changed. After all that happens in this story, to have the leads goal be, ‘to feel better about himself’ is anti-climactic.
His whole world should be at risk. If he doesn’t succeed what ever he loves the most could be taken away. The movie should be about him trying to save his entire world from collapsing.
1) You should begin the logline with the lead bringing back the ‘fraud’ movie director. Don’t begin with the ‘fake interview’ (It’s alright for the script but she be left out of the logline)
2) Give us some stakes if he fails. Tell us what he will lose.
3) Be a bit more concise in order to cut the word count.
If you do these things I believe you will have a stronger logline.
Good luck with this!
After everything goes pear-shaped, he needs to salvage his career and regain the respect of his audience. You could even have a rival film critic as an antagonist. A subplot could be how all this drama affects his personal relationships with his family and friends.
Lee Brooks : impressive! I actually have the subplot with a rival critic – I wrote only a four pages but it’s in it. I’m not sure about the relationship between the hero and his girlfriend, she could be someone he need to leave in order to grow. Is the new logline better? By the way, is it clear that it’s a comedy ?
How does it work here? is it better to edit the original logline, to post the new logline as a new post, or to publish the new logline in the comments?
Thanks for everything
Hi FFF. I’ve only been on this site for a couple of weeks, so I don’t know any more than you do about how it all works. We can hope that someone else enlightens us both.
Maybe reword it something like this:
After having faked an interview with the master of indie Iraqi cinema, a famous film critic is sent to the Middle East to find the reclusive director and persuade him to make a big action movie in Paris. When the film critic realises the man he has brought to Paris is an impostor, he makes a deal with him to fool everyone …
Now have a think about what to write that will show what he risks losing and his antics to salvage his career and regain the respect of his friends and fans. Include words like antics, caper, frolic and romp to leave the reader in no doubt that your screenplay is a comedy. Don’t get carried away, though; one or two will do.
It’s not obvious to figure out how to edit a logline that kicks off a thread of comments, but it can be done.
The other option is to post a revision as a comment in this thread and tag it as a revision. The discussion will flow from there.
It sounds too complex to me. Maybe break into two sentences?
Thanks, is it better now?
Hi, yes I think we are getting better! The two sentence structure is working much better.
Now let’s focus on the content! Try to compress the following into 2-3 sentences in your way:
A once-famous french film critic is given a last chance to save his job: to convince a Hollywood director on Holiday to do a blockbuster for France that could save the entire French film industry from bankruptcy.
He travels to the Middle East just to find the director completely turned against Hollywood-style blockbusters. The only thing he wants to do is a last huge art movie. So the critic decides to play a double sided game: he promises the art movie to the ex-Hollywood director but also confirms the blockbuster to his employer…
Geez, it is not so easy to work on the content, spent more than an hour on this…
What’s the genre? Is this a comedy or to be played with a straight face, as a drama?
In any event, the logline is too complicated. It has too many twists and turns to figure out where the story is going. And I’m sure how to straighten it out.
What is the is the film critic’s single objective goal, the one — not two, not three — but ONE thing he must accomplish by the end of the film to declare success?
I guess an imposter ‘always’ has bad intentions.
‘who’ is everyone’?
So now you must tell us ‘who’ the imposter is and ‘what’ he wants. He for all I know it’s his twin brother directing IS movies.The imposters intentions could alsow show us that your writing a comedy. Of course you don’t need to use Hollewood/Bollywood. YOU fill in the locations!
For starters do not put the subplot in your logline.
My clumsy attempt :
‘After a famous anti-instamatic movie critic realizes he didn?t contract a flamboyant- upcoming Bollywood director but his evil twin brother, he must deal with the imposter to foul Hollywood and save his career. ”
More info but much to long:
The Cow with Sour Milk
“After a famous Jewish movie critic realizes he didn?t contract a flamboyant- upcoming Bollywood director for an explosive comedy, but his twin brother – an ISIS video director – he must deal with the copycat director in order to fool Hollywood and save his own career”.
Or must I say: “save Hollywood” and “fool his own career?”
All this of course without knowing what makes your story tick..
And now your version in 35 words or less.
Thanks everyone, I made a last attempt to sum up the main story. Is the logline acceptable in this last attempt? Interesting? I think my movie may have some structure problems : maybe it’s not enough “confined” (paris/middle east),
1st act, the film critic accepts to try to find the Persan director (even if he have no clues),
1st part of 2nd act : the search in the Middle East mountains and the meeting with the impostor.
middlepoint : the deal with the impostor.
2nd part of 2nd act : shooting the movie in Paris
3rd act : resolution (the whole movie is a fraud and the critic leave to go looking for the real director)
Thanks again, I wait for an eventual last feedback, then I’ll go back thinking about the whole thing.
Hey FFF, I think there is a very good improvement in the logline by every update. You will still need to go back and think about the story (which is totally normal).
Weak points to me:
– Why is the director Persian? Is there a special reason behind this not counting the location setting for audience?
– Why Paris? Are there a lot of Persian people in Paris? Or are Persian people in love with the city of Paris? Etc.
– How come he picks the wrong guy? Accidentally? Is there an impostor?
Maybe this could help:
A broken film producer’s last hope is to persuade a Persian director to shoot a blockbuster action-movie in Paris, but he is fooled by an impostor. Discovering this too late, he has no choice but to start the shooting with the false man.
‘Who’ is this “wrong man”; knowing ‘who’ he is, tells the audience the Hero has to go on a dififficult Journey. There’s no Batman without the Joker.