The Date
A fledging actress, unlucky in love, must decide whether to risk it all or play it safe for the “happily ever after” she wants.
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And then what? Is this the setup for the plot or the pay off?
Does she search for Mr. Right for 2 years before finding him? Or does she knows who Mr. Right is but it takes him 2 years to realize she’s Miss Right?
What’s the hook? What is unique and different that sets this story apart from the 10,536 scripts floating around Hollyweird about women looking for Mr. Right in all the wrong places?
Point taken.I’m trying to edit it right now with something with more substance, but the site doesn’t seem to want to let me do that. Thanks for the feedback!
Well said dpg … totally agree. As it is now it is too loose and unclear, there’s no ticking clock, no stakes really. But I’m always a sucker for a love story … so …. When a fledgling actress falls in love with [describe the guy … what does he do?], she has to [overcome some flaw, learn some lesson], to [not sure just getting a date is enough … she wants the ring doesn’t she …?]
For some reason the vision in my head is of a woman sitting around waiting for two years occasionally looking at her watch. Not sure if that’s enough action for a movie 🙂
Thanks everyone for your feedback. Hopefully the edit is closer to perfection?
(I doubt it, but hey, this is a craft you really learn as you go, right?)
I just read you re-write, I like the “Happily ever after” part. The logline still needs a little something. We need to know why this is her last shot at love. (Or at least why she believes it’s her last shot at love)
“After a gypsy prognosticates she has one shot at true happiness, a woman who’s, “Unlucky at love” embarks on a date-from-hell with her foretold, one shot at happily-ever-after, hanging in the balance.”
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
Despite her failed luck in love to date, “fledgling actress” connotes someone young enough to have many years, many more opportunities to find Mr. Right. So it doesn’t make sense that she thinks she’s only got one more chance. And why does she think that this particular “date from hell” is her last shot?
What it is is this “bookish” kind of girl meets a guy during rehearsals for her high school play. She’s cast, he’s helping with stage crew. And he’s weeks away from leaving for two years on an LDS mission, which basically means he has to put any and all dating relationships on hold , and they make agreement they’re going to date when he gets back.
She feels like he’s her only shot because when he meets her, he’s the first guy to notice her. While he’s gone, she does get involved with another guy, but he pulls a whopper that involves getting engaged to his ex so she can stay in the country. After that, she’s scared to trust any guy, and draws the conclusion that risks in love don’t pay, so the missionary becomes a “sure bet.” It’s not a risk with him because she already knows him.
Thanks again everyone for your feedback. This is one of my first attempts at something like this, and this site has given me quite the crash course in do’s and dont’s. Now it’s back to the drawing board. 🙂
Okay, that clarifies. First time, I’ve read a story line where an LDS missionary guy is a “date from hell” 🙂
As I understand your story, I perceive a problem with your protagonist: Hollyweird types are attracted to stories about characters who take the biggest risks for their biggest dream, who won’t settle for less, who don’t make safe choices.
The character can start out weak and willing to settle for less, for a safe choice. But the character arc that appeals to them is one where she develops the inner strength to risk all for love, to go for what she really wants in life.
What does she really, really want? What is her biggest dream? Who is the incarnation of her biggest dream?
So I think I’ve gotten a little bit closer, but can loglines end in a question mark? Thanks everyone for your input. I know there are a ton of articles, books, seminars, webisodes, etc.. out there about this, but the only way I really sink it into my skull is practice.
In loglines, the dramatic question is implied, but never explicitly stated.
Your current logline seems to have two story threads, one explicit (the search for the Prince and the implied, a successful if fledgling acting career. Are these two story threads and associated goals in conflict? If they are, how?
If not, why not?
And is she “risk aversive” in her career or in romance? Or both? And if she’s risk adverse only in terms of her career, how did she get to be successful actress? Acting is inherently a very risky business. Fledgling actors must cope with rejection and failure more frequently than they are likely to encounter in romance.
Just thought I’d second dpg up there — ending a logline with a question, IMO anyway, always reads a bit cheezily/ amateurish. The dramatic question should always be implied in the structure and content of the logline.
Also — It’s not clear what she’s actually risking at the moment…
What about something like:
‘After landing the part of a lifetime in Broadway, a hopelessly romantic fledgling actress puts her budding career on the line when her childhood prince charming returns home after years of missionary work overseas.’
A few words too long, and maybe nqr in terms of YOUR story, but hope it helps.
Best of luck with it.