The Man in the Yellow Van
A forensic photographer on stress leave takes the pilgrimage home, only to become embroiled in a cold case from her youth. What she discovers is her worst nightmare. What she finds is redemption.
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Seriously cool idea. I think you need to forget the ‘stress leaves takes the pilgrimage home’ bit – your set-up. And detail the actual story – ‘the cold case from her youth’ – and also detail the complication ‘what she discovers is her worst nightmare’. Finally, I suggest you jettison the bit about redemption – I’m supposing that’s your ending – in which case it’s not required in your logline. Hope this helps.
Thankyou! Definitely helps. Will rework on this basis after lunch. 😉
Hi Sarapensalfini,
Hi kbfilmworks,
My feeling is a little different (if I don’t mistake due to my broken english):
I see a characterized hero (I assume her perception of forensic environment will influence her behavior)
I see a flaw: her stress leave
I see a quest: reconnect with her past,
I see a hardship that suggest antagonism and conflict : an eembroiled cold case
I see what’s at stake: overcome her worst nightmare
And the resolution could be told like: what she will plead for (or seek) is redemption.
“A forensic photographer on stress leave takes the pilgrimage home, only to become embroiled in a cold case from her youth. What she discovers is her worst nightmare. What she will plead for is redemption”
(35words)
I see a good story behind this.
Hi Jean & Sara,
Jean, I take your point. But the details might make for a stronger hook in the logline. I think loglines for completed scripts are generally less vague than loglines written before. Personally, I tend to start with an idea which develops into a lengthy treatment after which I know what I’m writing about and then searching for the logline. I’m just saying – I’m sure every writer has a personal style.
Hi kb,
I agree with you.
Personnaly, I start with a premise (it don’t need to be formal as a logline), then I make a project chart (something like a Gantt chart and a chart of characters, as we use in building or industry), the synopsis, treatment,… and I finish with the logline (what I didn’t now how to write up a few days ago).
This is all very useful. My thanks. Funnily, this script is far more developed than my other- logline below- which seems to have a tighter story. My challenge is fitting the immensity of the cold case and it’s outcome and the resulting change in the hero into a short but readily understandable sentence. I got lazy in the second half. Ha! Isn’t that always the challenge! 🙂