Girl fighter
twilightPenpusher
"A former modesty blaise hitman, now a seemingly warm hearted grand ma agrees to teach a ice princess how to fight, when one of her gay friends gets smashed by her criminal ex-boyfriend and she now must stop him before the one she loves becomes the victim of his jealousy/ control needs"
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Just curious, is the lead character the hitman or the ice princess?
I’m a bit confused by a few things here — ‘former modest blaise hitman’ turned ‘seemingly warm hearted grandma’. for starters… as ‘seemingly’ implies that the grandma is not actually warm hearted (therefore COLD hearted), but was once a blaise and modest as a hitman..? I can’t join the dots with between these attributes (particularly between blaise and modest as an attribute to a hitman…), causing me to ask ‘How could this possibly happen?’, but not in the good way that an intriguing logline should.
Also — ‘Ice Princess’ is confusing — what is an ice princess? Like an ice queen? As in, an emotionless mean spirited self indulgent female, or like the White Witch from the Narnia Chronicles, or some kind of Eskimo royalty? If it’s the former it would be hard to sympathize with her, unless that instead of learning to fight she needs learn how to not be an ice princess…
‘Get smashed’ also has ambiguities… I can assume you mean beaten up — but ‘smashed’ sounds like a car accident, and in some circles means to get drunk/ wasted/ high etc…(at least where I come from, which admittedly is a long long way from L.A…)
Lastly — it’s confusing as to who ‘the one she loves’ is — is it her gay friend that gets beaten up by the domineering ex or a lover (who I’d assume is NOT gay).
— and the ‘/’ between jealousy and control, You can choose one as they imply a fairly similar thing.
‘A spoilt teenage brat learns the art of fighting from her ex-hitman grandma when a jealous ex comes looking to destroy her new budding romance’…?
I understand if its a bit confusing. Im not really ready with this logline but tried to post it anyway. 🙂 I know its a mess.
First, Modesty Blaise is the comic strip/film/novel franchise.
Ice princess maybe is to confusing.
Something like this?
‘A spoilt teenage brat must learns the art of fighting from her ex-hitman grandma when a jealous ex start to beat up her friends’
Yes it?s the girl.
I tried to do something like a karate kid but instead of a man its a old women – a old “Modesty Blaise”.
Cool. I was trying to do something like the Karate Kid, but with a Heist film — driving me insane.
🙂
Another one.
?A spoilt teenage brat must learns the art of fighting from her ex-hitman grandma when a jealous ex start to threaten her family’
… and yeah — I totally missed the Modesty Blaise reference…my bad… But something to think about as I think you could still work it in, as It’s a specific reference and could be a selling point to the film. The issue is ‘former’ I think..
‘The precocious granddaughter of Modesty Blaise learns from her the art of fighting when a possessive ex-boyfriend threathens to kill her family’
or — ‘a precocious young girl learns the art of fighting from her grandma, an elderly Modesty Blaise, when an ex-boyfriend threatens to kill her family’
… and using precocious just for something different, even though it doesn’t nail ‘ice princess’ or ‘spoiled brat’..and I thought you originally meant ‘a modest blase former hitman’…!! hence my confusion.
My job is melting my brain.
Thanks Tony. You really help me out.
Twilight,
Is your dramatic trajectory one of unintended consequences: that is the retiree starts out only wanting to help the young girl defend herself, but ends up turning her into a hit woman in her own right?
dpg: My thought was just that the retired train the younger. Just like in Karate Kid. But maybe your question could ad something to the story.
I’m a sucker for dramatic irony and unintended consequences.
And, imho, it might give your logline and story a certain “je ne sais quoi” that makes it stands out. IOW: a hook.
dpg:
How should I write that logline do you think?
Something like this?
‘The precocious granddaughter of Modesty Blaise learns from her the art of fighting when a possessive ex-boyfriend threathens to kill her family but ends up turning her into a hit woman in her own right’
Off the top of my brain pan:
When a legendary retired hit woman helps her timid granddaughter fight back against bullies, the teenager turns into a hit woman in her own right.
Notes:
Modest Blaise: I suggest you don’t use her. Not in your logline, no in your story. Because:
1] Don’t assume everyone immediately knows who you’re talking about. (I didn’t; I had to google.)
2 ] IMMEDIATE is a critical operative word in loglines. You’ve only go a few words, a few seconds to make one impression, the right impression. Don’t confuse, don’t puzzle, don’t give the wrong impression.
3] The character is copyrighted. Which means you have to get clearance to use her in the movie. Which — IF you can get it — is going to cost $$$,$$$ — yeah, six figures at least if it’s a major motion picture. By including that implied cost in your logline, you’re giving producers and directors a reason, an excuse, NOT make a movie from your script. Don’t give them that excuse
Teenager: just a thought. Think of the prime demographic for a ‘chic action flick’. (See Katniss Everdeen in “The Hunger Games”. Need I say more?) If you movie is a hit then you’ve hit the mother load of movie making: FRANCHISE!
In loglines, concept is more important than character. I think “a retired hit woman who mentors her granddaughter to become a hit woman” is a cool concept — a potentially viable hook. As in franchise.
One person’s opinion.
dpg: Thanks a lot. This really helps.
What kind of genre do you see when reading this logline?
Depends. How old is is the granddaughter as you imagine the story?
dpg: I was thinking like 50 or something – maybe 60
Clarification: how old is the “ice princess”?
16-18 or something
Okay, then I see the story as a combination of genres, coming of age + action-adventure, with a dark-comedy edge.
dpg: Do you see something else before? 🙂
Originally, I saw it as mostly a coming of age story, older, savvy woman guides granddaughter through the treacherous rapids of adolescence.
What matters is how you see it. Your vision. What’s the story YOU want to tell?
I think I saw it as you said first. Action dark comedy – coming of age
A former modesty blaise hit man, now a seemingly warm hearted grandma agrees to teach an ice princess how to fight. When one of her gay friends gets smashed by her criminal ex-boyfriend, she now must stop him before the one she loves becomes the victim of his jealousy/ control needs.
[I looked up the word blaise?. Blaise is a personal name (from Greek ???????, the name of Saint Blaise) and a place name.]