The Executor
FilmstarPenpusher
A grieving London gangster recruits the tough new boyfriend of his suicidal daughter to help him hunt the killer of his son. But when he discovers her boyfriend is the son of one of his victims come for revenge, he must risk his daughter's life to take him down.
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It seems to me that this story’s logline is bordering on some sort of obsession. It would behoove you to delete all of the other “generations” of this logline, and stay with one to work on. It might only be me, but they seem to be getting progressively worse.
Here’s a suggestion: Take the story “The Executor” and list the following: protagonist, antagonist, the protag’s goal(s), his obstacles, the stakes (should he fail), your “hook” (the one point that separates this story from the hundreds just like it), any irony and the genre.
Then post those on THIS thread (after deleting all of the others, if you can), and we’ll be able to help you much more effectively. This is obviously important to you and we want to help.
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman)- judge
It’s not an obsession I’m just trying to get it right before starting the treatment for draft 2. I’ve had 1st draft coverage, positive coverage from my script consultant for the 2 page synopsis, but I want to get the logline right before moving forward. Plus I’ve got a producer waiting.
Re. deleting, I didn’t know we could delete, or I would have already. How can I do that?
This is all good as it’s helping me get to the core of the story and spot possible problems / holes.
Thanks for your advice.
Here goes:
Protag: A hard London gangster who is also a vigilante.
Antag: the son of a past victim.
Goal: to execute all registered child rapists living in freedom in the UK.
Obstacles: his wife, teenage daughter, junior gang members and the police.
Stakes: everything: his family, his gang, but most of all, his status and power to execute.
Irony: the antagonist’s father, one of the Executor’s victims, was fighting on the same side of the Executor, undercover, FOR the law, instead of against it.
My new effort at a logline:
A professional vigilante is intent on executing every registered child rapist in the UK. But when the son of a past victim infiltrates his gang his entire ‘justice’ system is put on trial.
Genre: British Gangster
Sub genre: vigilante
or:
An enraged vigilante is intent on executing every child rapist on the register. But when the son of a past victim infiltrates his gang his entire ?justice? system comes under threat.
One of the glaring issues I see is identifying the characters- protag’s and antag’s. You have a protag whom you identify as “gangster” and “vigilante”, and an antag whom YOU identify as “the son of a VICTIM”.
Your executor is your hero, and we have to empathize with him. He should be identified in a sympathetic way so we can root for him. Conversely, the antag will have to be someone we root against; “cop gone bad”, “closet child molester”, etc.
Also, try to be more specific in your definitions of the elements: stakes shouldn’t be “everything”, but he could lose his freedom, his family, and possibly his life. But, that’s only if he continues with his execution plans, right? What if he doesn’t? What if he just stopped killing people, then he wouldn’t be in trouble, right? There has to be an outside conflict, I think; one that says “If I don’t continue to kill these guys, (THIS) will happen to me”
Gang member, gang leaders, vigilantes, etc. = not exactly sympathetic ccharacters.
I think these are the main issues going forward.
Regarding deleting previous post: you may want to contact the site manager and ask him to delete the ones you don’t want out there. Very confusing. Must be 10- 15 different post on variations of this logline.
That really puts thing in perspective , motivations , conflict , consequences , in the inner and outer realms of the protag / antag need to be clear . I can see that now . nice
Thanks. I see what you mean.
Yes the protag is a gangster and a killer, but his wife and daughter love him, and we see why – all this killing is unresolved pain and anger about the death of his son (backstory) which we learn gradually.
The antagonist is only a bad guy to the hero who believes he’s acting justly, but actually to us he’s a good guy – he’s the one who makes the hero see that what he’s doing is wrong.
Opposition to the hero is threefold (as per Truby) so the antag and the hero’s wife and daughter all attack the hero’s fatal flaw – his self-righteousness – his belief that his actions are ‘just’. The antag is the one who proves to the hero they are not.
Perhaps we could identify the hero as ‘grieving’ and the antag as ‘enraged’.
“Intent on executing every known child killer on the register, a grieving vigilante’s entire justice ‘system’ comes under threat when the enraged son of a past victim infiltrates his gang for revenge.”
Good point re. turning the stakes into a positive, which is what happens in the story – he does stop killing – his new moral action after his revelation. The stakes in this case would be his family. If he stops killing, he’ll save 1. His own life 2. His wife from leaving him and 3. his daughter from hating him (and possibly killing herself).
So:
“A grieving vigilante, intent on executing every known child-killer on the register, is forced to face the fact that only if he stops his killing can he save his family when the revenge-obsessed son of a victim infiltrates his gang.”
or
“When the son of a past victim infiltrates his gang for revenge, a grieving vigilante, intent on executing every known child-killer on the register, is forced to face the fact that only if he stops his killing can he save the ones he loves.”
Or:
“When the son of one of his victims targets his daughter a grieving vigilante, obsessed with ‘cleansing’ England of every registered child-killer, learns the only way to save her is to stop his rampage of killing.”
or maybe ‘grieving London gangster’ to give an idea of genre and place:
When the son of one of his victims targets his daughter a grieving London gangster, obsessed with executing every child-killer in England, learns the only way to save her is to stop his rampage of killing.”
OK, think we’re getting there thanks to some feedback on twitter too. Basically, are the stakes higher with his entire “moral system” under threat (1) or his family under threat (2) ?
1. Intent on executing every known child-killer on the sex-offenders register, a grief-stricken gangster’s entire justice “system” comes under threat when the son of one of his victims comes for revenge.
or
2. When the son of a victim comes for revenge a grief-stricken gangster, intent on cleansing the UK of pedophiles, must learn the only way to save his family from destruction is to stop his rampage of killing.
“A grief-stricken London gangster plans to execute every child-killer on the register, but when the son of one of his victims comes for revenge his entire extrajudicial ‘justice system’ comes under threat.”
or:
“A grief-stricken London gangster plans to execute every child-killer on the register, but when the son of one of his victims comes for revenge he learns to save his family he must stop his rampage of killing.”
Thanks Alex.
How’s this one:
A grieving vigilante, on a cold, calculated rampage to avenge his murdered son, sets out to execute the last man on his suspect list – but when the son of an earlier victim comes back for revenge he’s forced to make a choice: kill his target or save his family.?
Having found a story problem through trying to work out the logline – the hero’s goal was twofold and therefore unclear. Here’s the latest version:
An embittered vigilante looks for a new recruit in time for his next ‘hit’, but when his wife and daughter uncover his plans he’s forced to make a choice: stop killing… or lose those he loves.
Here’s another version with the main antagonist in the logline. The above logline has two other opponents in the logline (opponents in this story are threefold as per Truby).
“When an embittered vigilante recruits a tough teenager for his next hit and discovers he’s the son of a victim come for revenge he must make a choice: abandon his moral code and kill an innocent or pay with his life.”
An embittered Vigilante?s been out killing child-killers ever since his son?s murder 5 years ago; but when, on new information, he goes after the real killer and puts his wife and daughter in danger he?s faced with a choice: continue with his bloody rampage of vengeance or save the lives of those he loves.
or:
An embittered vigilante who wants to execute his son?s killer recruits his daughter?s new boyfriend – a security expert – to help crack the alarm of his high profile target. But when the new recruit turns out to be the son of a past victim come for revenge the Vigilante is forced to make a choice: stop his bloody rampage of vengeance or save his own family from being destroyed.