Angels of Vengeance Vol. 1: Dirty Motherfucker
A marked-for-death outlaw rekindles old Dixie Mafia blood feuds after returning to the rogue barrier island of Vengeance on a mission to reclaim what?s his and kill the dirty motherfucker who gunned him down, stole his girl, and built a cocaine empire in the lawless coastal town he once called home.
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Hello, the movie could be interesting but the logline sounds hard to read and confusing – too much details and names – you should avoid names (like island of Vengeance). You can improve the logline making it shorter and clearer.
Something like :
“A marked-for-death outlaw seek revenge over the dirty motherfucker who gunned him down, stole his girl and built a cocaine empire in his hometown”.
Hmmm… While I do agree that my initial logline was a bit wordy (and I included the town name against my better judgement), the environment and his history there do play a key part and is essentially a character in and of its own, so I feel there needs to be mention of the setting. How’s this:
On a rogue barrier island off the Georgia coast, A marked-for-death outlaw seeks vengeance against the dirty motherfucker who gunned him down, stole his girl, and built a cocaine empire in the lawless town he once called home.
Ok, you can foget “dirty motherfucker” in you logline.It does not sell.
Why now? why not a year ago or two years ago? why is he going back to his home town and seeking vengeance right at this moment?
Just curious.
His girl’s ex comes to them with a job to rob a pair of drug couriers. He doesn’t want to return, with a little convincing, the rewards outweighed the risk, so he does and he’s double crossed.
…..so getting gunned down, losing his girl wasn’t sufficient incentive/motivation for him to seek revenge? It takes a job offer???
No. That’s not what I said. I said his girl’s ex comes to them (not him) with the job. The catching point was that it takes place in this town where he’s already marked for death. So it takes some convincing, but he agrees to do the job, THEN he’s double crossed, gunned down’ etc.
“On a rogue barrier island off the Georgia coast, ”
good for me.
I’m ok with “dirty moterfucker”. It makes me think of a precise kind of movie. More “machete” than scarface.
I think its a good logline now. Honestly, the concept is not a killer concept for me but it could be a good movie. Good luck with the writing.
I still don’t see the inciting incident’s (job offer) significance in the life of the protagonist and the reason it motivated him.
From my understanding he is convinced to do a job in his home town then he goes to do it but is double crossed. From this I take that him being double crossed is the inciting incident and not the job offer or convincing him to do the job.
As such better to start the story with him being double crossed then describe the MC and his action against the antagonist.
Hope this helps.
Really, the inciting incident is the return to a hometown where he already has bad blood. His motivation is that his girl is getting weary of life on the road as a drifting grifter and her ex comes with a job with a big enough score that they can get the hell out and escape to a private island or wherever. She essentially gives him the ultimatum, take this job or I’m out. So he takes the job. They pull it successfully when the ex double crosses him at the deal (and her too, albeit unwittingly) So now shot and left for dead, he has to fight to take back what’s his and get revenge in a town where old enemies are already lining up to kill him. It’s certainly not short on conflict, though I do need to take care that the plot doesn’t get too convoluted between old and new enemies (that do end up working in tandem). This is definitely in the vein of a Machete type movie. It’s supposed to be fun, capitalize on the sex and violence draw and not take itself too seriously while also posing questions about blood being thicker than water, forgiveness, etc.
And by the way, thank you all for your feedback. I know this certainly isn’t a movie for everyone, kind of a niche market project, but the input does help.