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AspiringZach
Posted: August 25, 20132013-08-25T06:27:39+10:00 2013-08-25T06:27:39+10:00In: Public

A neurotic writer attempts to break his noncompliant criminal brother out of jail while still trying to preserve a relationship with his bipolar wife.

Charlie’s Shoes

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    4 Reviews

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    1. wilsondownunder Penpusher
      2013-08-25T13:40:28+10:00Added an answer on August 25, 2013 at 1:40 pm

      I agree with NS – is the brother for or against the prison break. If he’s questioning it others might also. Maybe make it clearer

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    2. MichaelHag Penpusher
      2013-08-25T13:12:05+10:00Added an answer on August 25, 2013 at 1:12 pm

      I’ll act the thesaurus
      noncompliant: obstinate, uncooperative, rebellious, unruly, insubordinate, defiant

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    3. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2013-08-25T11:43:07+10:00Added an answer on August 25, 2013 at 11:43 am

      A “neurotic writer” conjures up a Woody Allen image in my mind and imagining him breaking someone out of jail is funny on its own.
      Is this a comedy?

      The word noncompliant is a convoluted and confusing word for a logline unless critical to the plot. Does noncompliant mean he is noncompliant with the break out plan or in general with society at large?
      Most criminals are noncompliant with the rest of society and if he is in jail then he is a criminal which means you don’t need “noncompliant criminal” in the logline.

      If noncompliant refers to the brother not wanting to comply with the breakout plan this could be quite an interesting comedy. As there have been many “breakout of jail” suspense films but few where the actual criminal him self doesn’t want it.

      Hope this helps.

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    4. wilsondownunder Penpusher
      2013-08-25T09:08:29+10:00Added an answer on August 25, 2013 at 9:08 am

      Hi,

      Wow, lots going on here and maybe in a genre conflicting way. Your logline makes me visualize either a dark comedy or an action drama which is an odd mix. Curious to know how you’re going to blend the two stories – the prison break and trying to make his relationship work. Bipolar in itself is a big subject to tackle. On top of that your protagonist is neurotic. Phew

      Maybe you could make your logline help the reader better understand your vision and the genre.

      Also, not sure why he can’t naturally do the prison break and still have a relationship. Does the prison break require him to leave town, does his wife oppose it?

      Finally, how does your protagonist being a writer influence the story? If significantly allude to it in the logline, if not perhaps make use of the word count elsewhere.

      Good luck

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