Par 6
A retired golf enthusiast is scammed out of his life savings and a country club membership, but when he sees an old man die and moves up to number five on the waiting list, he devises a killer plan to jump to #1
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You don’t say what waiting list or how this relates back to his being scammed. Is his goal to get back into the country club? And if having a killer plan is what your story is about, then you should tell us a bit about this plan and what or who gets in his way.
Who is the villain, the antagonist who scammed him? What role does the villain play in his ‘killer plan’? What’s at stake? That is, why should the audience care, root for him to get back in the country club? Why doesn’t he just play at a public golf course?
He lost all his money but only cares about getting back into the country club? How was he scammed, and why? Why him? People like an underdog but not someone suffering from their own stupidity, and being scammed makes it sound like his own damn fault. Show us how he’s more sympathetic so we can be on his side. Maybe say he was cheated, or it was stolen.
dpg, it sounds to me like seeing the old man die gave him ideas and he intends murdering those further up the list. He’d better have a few redeeming qualities if we’re supposed to root for him. Having him ‘save the cat’ in an early scene might help. Lol
What mrliteral said. Seems like he’s pursuing the wrong goal for the wrong reason.
Good comments above and agreed with Lee. The very nature of the character and his plan put audience empathy at great risk I’m not sure a ‘Save The Cat Moment’ alone could help in this case.
Hope this helps.
Hello, Costa-Gavras did a movie about a desperate man who kill all the best candidates to have a job.
It’s a black comedy, I liked it a lot.
imdb:
“Le couperet”
A chemist loses his job to outsourcing. Two years later and still jobless, he hits on a solution: to genuinely eliminate his competition.
I think the key is to make the logline funny so that we understand that the movie is a satire and we don’t judge the main character as we would do in a serious movie. I suggest to make a joke linked to the golf world (I hope you’re an expert about the subject, or you have to become one before even come up with a decent logline 🙂 ) -you need something like “genuinely eliminate the competition”.
I was going refer to “the axe” the film about a someone killing themselves into a job. Find the main goal and build your line around that. Could be fun.