Posted: 2013-03-14T01:00:39+10:00 In:

A School-janitor finds out that the extreme pains he just started suffering is because of a young student made a Voodoo-doll in the spitting image of him. Now he must get his hands on the doll and protect it from harm before he dies trying.

Voodoo

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    4 Reviews

    1. Thanks for all the feedback =)

      Here’s the revised version:
      “When a cocky, tenacious gym-teacher finds out that his random pains are caused by a Voodoo-doll, he must find the lovestruck, dimwitted student who created it to break the curse.”

      What do you think?
      I realised one problem I had with the previous one was that it wasn’t clear that it is suppose to be a comedy. Is that clearer now?

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    2. Logliner

      Good review by Richiev.

      I disagree with paulsavarese. His version is merely an inciting incident and although one could easily imagine a story from there, it still feels incomplete and there are too many options.

      I would rather go for:

      “When a school janitor finds out a student is trying to kill him with voodoo, he must get the doll and stop the spell.”

      Does the janitor find out about the voodoo BEFORE he finds the student? Because here is another potential approach: FIRST he needs to find out which student it is and THEN stop him/her. If the student is a formidable adversary (which s/he should be), it is possible to turn this into two distinct stages.

      Finally, whey is the janitor the target? I suspect the janitor has a character defect that he needs to overcome. Perhaps we can include a hint of this character journey in the logline as well.

      It is great to have a simple story – but it can’t be simplistic…

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    3. Singularity

      I like this concept.

      There are three things that I think could improve the logline.

      1) The students motives aren’t explained: Instead of “Young” student (because young and student are somewhat repetitive) I would say something like “Vengeful.” Give us an adjective that hints at motivation.

      2) I would drop “In the spitting image of him” because Voodoo-doll by nature only work of they look like the victim.

      3) The line, “Now he must get his hands on the doll and protect it from harm before he dies trying.” is a little clunky, I would change the line to, “now he must get his hands on the doll to break the curse.”

      How about something like this:

      “When a popular school Janitor discovers his blinding pains are cause by a Voodoo-doll, he must steal it from the vengeful student who created it to break the curse.”

      Hope that helped. Good luck with this!

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    4. “A school janitor discovers that his chronic pains are being inflicted by a voodoo doll.” I think that’s all you need.

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